Five Misconceptions about Trust in Business: Part 3

In this blog series, we explore five of the most common misconceptions about trust that, while they are widely-held, are powerful inhibitors to creating real trust:

  1. Trust has to be earned
  2. Trust takes time to grow and is quickly lost
  3. Clients just want you to solve their problem
  4. Clients will trust you if you give good advice
  5. Having the right answer is critical

Two wooden figures with the image of the brain and heart.MISCONCEPTION 3: CLIENTS JUST WANT YOU TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

Most providers think that clients are focused on solving the problem. No surprise there—most clients would say the same thing. Let’s dig a little deeper.

Of course, clients want providers to solve problems. That’s what they are paying for, after all. But if ALL you are giving the client is what they are paying for, you need to be incredibly better than anyone else to avoid constantly competing on price. And that’s incredibly hard to do.

Clients don’t seek to trust providers’ expertise …

… they seek experts they can trust.

Clients don’t want to be experts in the provider’s field. If they did, they’d have gotten their own degree or certification. They also know they will need that expertise again in the future. What they would really love to have, if only they could be so fortunate, is confidence in an expert on whom they could then rely repeatedly.

Most providers try to create trust by demonstrating, or at least talking about, their expertise. Clients therefore assume that their expertise is the most important thing they can offer. The implicit message is, “you can trust me to take care of this problem.”

Yes, clients hire you to solve the problem …

… but what they really want is for you to care about them.

If you focus solely on your expertise and successfully solve the problem, then your client will learn to trust your expertise, but what about everything else?

The alternative is to focus less on the problem, and more on the person. That’s not to say you should perform poorly, but that you should also show your client there’s more to you than you’re your expertise.

Real trust comes from understanding your client as a person – through curiosity, empathy, and your willingness to be vulnerable with them.

Real trust comes from caring enough about your client to share what you see can help them succeed.

Real trust comes not from solving this problem, but from helping them see the next opportunity or potential issue, whether or not you can help them with it.

Clients’ main vehicle for assessing trust is your ability to address the issues facing them, head-on, with all its emotional complexities. The beauty of that is, it’s what you already do for a living anyway.

Come back here to read about misconception 4: Clients will trust you if you give good advice.

Resources to Build Your Trust Skills:

Two Paths to a Trusted Business

Macro photo of tooth wheel mechanism with TRUST, RELIABILITY, CONSISTENCY, COMPETENCE, INTEGRITY and SINCERITY words imprinted on metal surfaceLet’s try a thought experiment. Imagine that you’ve been put in charge of an effort to improve the level of trust that people have in your organization (which could be a company, an institution, a business unit, whatever).

You have two choices, I would suggest. One I’ll call “outside-in,” and the other “inside-out.” Both have a role, but one should get more emphasis.

The outside-in approach might involve hiring a PR or consulting firm to help you, and focuses on such issues as messaging, metrics, process and procedures design, publicity, incentives, market research, designated trust officers, behaviors, KPIs and the like.

The inside-out approach involves improving the personal trustworthiness and the propensity to trust for all employees of your organization.  It also involves messaging (though mainly internal), but as well such methods as leading-by-example, education, role-modeling, performance reviews, and mentoring.

Which works more quickly? Probably the outside-in approach. Which lasts longer? Probably the inside-out approach. Which provides the biggest impact? Again, probably the inside-out approach.

What’s Going On Here?

What’s going on here is the interplay between institutional trust and interpersonal trust. It raises questions like, “Which comes first?” “Can you have one without the other?” And, “How do they interact?”

If your objective is to improve the perceived trustworthiness of your organization (the thought experiment I proposed above), then do you best get there by working at the institutional level (“outside-in”) or at the interpersonal level (“inside-out”)?

I’m not trying to set up a forced dichotomy. In most cases you should use a little of both approaches. This is not an “either/or” situation, it’s “both/and.”

BUT: my decidedly unscientific research suggests that the typical business response is to lean far more heavily on the “outside-in” approach, and to downplay the “inside out” approach. This is unfortunate.

It’s unfortunate because people – customers, clients, employees, the public at large – trust institutions only narrowly, whereas they trust people more deeply. If I ‘trust’ FedEx, it doesn’t mean I trust the FedEx driver to babysit my grandchild; but if I do trust that driver, I will probably trust FedEx too.

I trust an institution to behave consistently in certain ways, to have certain policies in place, to provide relevant expertise and capabilities. I trust people to do the same things – but I also want more from them.  I want people to be flexible, good listeners, to be curious and empathetic and to care about my experience. These are traits that only people can have.  If the people I deal with have these interpersonal traits of trust, I am more likely to generalize and assume good things about the organization they are part of.

If I’m right about that, then why do organizations default so heavily to the “outside-in” approach to institutional trust? I think it’s because the toolset of business these days is overwhelmingly analytical, data-driven, and behaviorally biased. We are taught to “trust but verify,” and that “if you can’t measure it, you can’t manage it.” An entire online generation is being taught to eschew “common sense” and “gut feel,” yet to pursue automated imitations of those very human instincts.

Improving reliability and expertise is easy; you can come up with dozens of metrics and qualifications. These can be measured and trained for. Not so when it comes to empathy, curiosity and paying attention. They are implemented by “messier” human processes like imitation, Socratic questioning and stories. And yet, the presence of those abilities not only creates trust with an individual but reflects on the institution as well.

Suppose you are the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, facing concerns about ethical violations. Do you a) promulgate legal guidelines (and get critiqued for lack of enforcement rules), or b) gain consensus among the individual Justices that “going forward, we’re just not going to behave in ways that even hint at raising ethical questions, and if you have a doubt about an issue, surface it with the group?”

Suppose you are in charge of customer acquisition for a SaaS consulting firm. Do you develop an outreach program that a) solely and self-centeredly promotes the track record and capabilities of your firm, or b) recognizes and emphasizes something unique and interesting about the potential customer as a key part of reaching out to them?

Suppose you are head of LinkedIn’s efforts to increase networking and linkages between members. Do you create a program that a) automates a linking process with a self-seeking message header like “I’d like to connect,” or b) encourages members to seek out and comment on the members’ relevant shared spheres of interest?

And here’s one about which you don’t need to make suppositions – Wells Fargo, which endured a self-inflicted scandal in 2016. It brought down one CEO, and then another three years later, and the bank incurred billions in fines. Wells Fargo ran two big marketing campaigns admitting wrongdoings and focusing on how the bank was rebuilding trust.

Sounds good, but how did that play out? As the new vice chairman of public affairs said in 2023, “you can’t tell a story that isn’t true…if you’re going to say what you’ve done, or what you plan to do, you better be doing it.” In his telling, this classic outside-in approach was false, and still failing. In early 2023, the bank paid $1 billion to settle a shareholder lawsuit that accused the firm of overstating its level of compliance with orders stemming from the 7-years-prior scandal.

Perhaps you’ve heard the saying that “problems aren’t solved at the levels at which they’re created.” It applies here. If you’d like your organization to be more trusted, don’t rely just on institutional tools. Instead, remember organizations are made up of people, and they interact with people. Operate at that level as well.

Personal trust doesn’t exist solely outside of institutional trust. Among other things, it is a necessary condition for achieving institutional trust.

Trust-Based Resources to Maximize Your Team’s Potential:

Want a (Better) New Year’s Resolution?

Some years ago I wrote about a “Better New Year’s Resolution.” It was pretty good, if I do say so myself.

For years I tried to improve on it, and never could. I finally stopped trying. Here it is again, not-so-new-and-improved, but still pretty good, I think.

What do you think?

 


My unscientific sampling says many people make New Years resolutions, and few follow through. Net result – unhappiness.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You could, of course, just try harder, stiffen your resolve, etc. But you’ve been there, tried that.

You could also ditch the whole idea and just stop making resolutions. Avoid goal-failure by eliminating goal-setting. Effective, but at the cost of giving up on aspirations.

I heard another idea: replace the New Year’s Resolution List with a New Year’s Gratitude List. Here’s why it makes sense.

First, most resolutions are about self-improvement – this year I resolve to: quit smoking, lose weight, cut the gossip, drink less, exercise more, and so on. All those resolutions are rooted in a dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs – or with oneself.

In other words: resolutions often have a component of dissatisfaction with self. For many, it isn’t just dissatisfaction – it’s self-hatred. And the stronger the loathing of self, the stronger the resolutions – and the more they hurt when they go unfulfilled.  It can be a very vicious circle.

Second, happy people do better. This has some verification in science, and it’s a common point of view in religion and psychology – and in common sense. People who are slightly optimistic do better in life. People who are happy are more attractive to other people. In a very real sense, you empower what you fear – and attract what you put out.

Ergo, replace resolutions with gratitude. The best way to improve oneself is paradoxical – start by being grateful for what you already have. That turns your aspirations from negative (fixing a bad situation) to positive (making a fine situation even better).

Gratitude forces our attention outwards, to others – a common recommendation of almost all spiritual programs.

Finally, gratitude calms us. We worry less. We don’t obsess. We attract others by our calm, which makes our lives connected and meaningful. And before long, we tend to smoke less, drink less, exercise more, gossip less, and so on. Which of course is what we thought we wanted in the first place.

But the real truth is – it wasn’t the resolutions we wanted in the first place.  It was the peace that comes with gratitude.  We mistook cause for effect.

Go for an attitude of gratitude. The rest are positive side-effects.

20 Years of Trust: What Has Changed

It’s been 20 years since the release of The Trusted Advisor. As we began the process of creating the 20th Anniversary Edition, we dived into deep reflection on how building trust has changed over the last two decades.

Surely it had to be vast… when the first book was released many people didn’t have an email address. Business was done face-to-face, and Zoom’s inception was 10 years away. But as we analyzed further, the initial presumption that so much would need to be changed for the new book to be relevant shifted.

Technology and digitization have brought the biggest transformations over the past two decades, causing ripples that affect all aspects of our lives, both personal and professional. And yet, the models for building trust that we laid out 20 years ago have remained steadfast, and many have actually become more important in creating meaningful relationships. The fundamentals of trust-building – that is, what creates trust – haven’t changed. It’s how we do them that has evolved.

Trust is (and always will be) the result of an interaction between a trustor and a trustee. When one person takes the risk to trust another, who in return is trustworthy, the end result is trust.

The Trust Equation is the trust model that has been impacted most in the last 20 years. It is also still the best guide to create impactful relationships built on trust.

Here’s what we’ve seen changed within the Trust Equation:

Credibility

Twenty years ago, credibility could only be established through interpersonal interaction. In business, that meant investing a large amount of time – in-person meetings, lunches, numerous phone calls – was the only way to verify someone’s credibility. And it took a lot of time. But time spent does NOT equal trustworthiness.

Credibility can now be ascertained largely online. We can determine if we want to take the first step to trust by looking at a website, checking a LinkedIn profile or filtering online reviews. We have intel before the introduction is even officially made, which can be a double-edge sword; it can move the process along more quickly to the emotional aspect of credibility (if the person accepts the digital info as positive) OR it can discredit immediately (if the person accepts the digital info as negative).

Reliability

Reliability is about dependability – delivering on one’s promises – and predictability. Technology can be a conduit to reliability, but people trust people, not algorithms. True reliability takes multiple interpersonal interactions to give the other person a sense of what to expect. If used correctly, technology can be a great aid in achieving reliability by providing more channels to show up authentically. Unfortunately, in the last 20 years it’s been more of an impediment than an amplifier when people rely solely on tech and avoid the human aspect.

Intimacy

Intimacy is the biggest builder of trust and is purely interpersonal. Because the time-frame of trust building has been shortened by the internet (as the world is altogether moving at a faster pace), it’s more essential than ever to get this piece right. If face-to-face interaction has decreased 80%, the remaining 20% must be qualitatively sharper (especially since it’s probably virtual today). Even though we can now come to the table with commonality and connection due to online research, true intimacy only happens between two people who meet each other half way. The fact that the overall time available to build intimacy has decreased means the time spent building intimacy holds even more weight.

Self-Orientation

The biggest impact in self-orientation isn’t a change to self-consciousness (“Am I smart enough? Did I say the right thing? Do I belong here?”) but to focus. Constant technology distractions have shortened our attention spans, and it’s more difficult to give someone the necessary attention to build trust, especially virtually, when you can hide the fact that you’re checking devices when you’re supposed to be engaged. Even in-person interactions have flailed. Try to think of the last time you had a meeting with two or more people where at least one of them didn’t check their smartphone. It’s an anomaly these days.

In Summary

Although some elements of trust have changed in the last 20 years, the Trust Equation as a model to build trust has remained solid and is more relevant than ever. When we think about the digital world, we might assume that more information and improved processes would make it easier for us to connect meaningfully, but that hasn’t happened. When vital aspects of trust building are lost or overlooked due to the convenience of technology, trust will falter.

Give trust building the time and energy it deserves, and use technology not to replace important interpersonal interaction, but to amplify it.

 

Start 2021 with a (Better) New Years Resolution

Fourteen years ago I wrote the following thoughts on New Years resolutions. It feels even more relevant this year, as we breathe a collective sigh of relief that 2020 is finally over.

Apologies to those who have read it year after year – though I suspect some of you won’t mind seeing it anew.

Happy New Year.
——————————————————————————————————–
My unscientific sampling says many people make New Years resolutions, and few follow through. Net result – unhappiness.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You could, of course, just try harder, stiffen your resolve, etc. But you’ve been there, tried that.

You could also ditch the whole idea and just stop making resolutions. Avoid goal-failure by eliminating goal-setting. Effective, but at the cost of giving up on aspirations.

I heard another idea: replace the New Year’s Resolution List with a New Year’s Gratitude List. Here’s why it makes sense.

First, most resolutions are about self-improvement – this year I resolve to: quit smoking, lose weight, cut the gossip, drink less, exercise more, and so on. All those resolutions are rooted in a dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs – or with oneself.

In other words: resolutions often have a component of dissatisfaction with self. For many, it isn’t just dissatisfaction – it’s self-hatred. And the stronger the loathing of self, the stronger the resolutions – and the more they hurt when they go unfulfilled.  It can be a very vicious circle.

Second, happy people do better. This has some verification in science, and it’s a common point of view in religion and psychology – and in common sense. People who are slightly optimistic do better in life. People who are happy are more attractive to other people. In a very real sense, you empower what you fear – and attract what you put out.

Ergo, replace resolutions with gratitude. The best way to improve oneself is paradoxical – start by being grateful for what you already have. That turns your aspirations from negative (fixing a bad situation) to positive (making a fine situation even better).

Gratitude forces our attention outwards, to others – a common recommendation of almost all spiritual programs.

Finally, gratitude calms us. We worry less. We don’t obsess. We attract others by our calm, which makes our lives connected and meaningful. And before long, we tend to smoke less, drink less, exercise more, gossip less, and so on. Which of course is what we thought we wanted in the first place.

But the real truth is – it wasn’t the resolutions we wanted in the first place.  It was the peace that comes with gratitude.  We mistook cause for effect.

Go for an attitude of gratitude. The rest are positive side-effects.

7 Lessons to Improve Trust in a Virtual World

– With contributions from Sandy Styer, Client Manager – Diagnostics and Stewart Hirsch, Senior Coach – Business Development and Executive Leadership 

Pandemic. Coronavirus. Covid-19. _____.   ______.  . ______.

Fill in the blanks with adjective(s) of your choice [apocalyptic; unprecedented; crisis; game-changer; etc.] Add a flourishing punch line, and you’ve got the intro to this piece.

There, that’s done.

But I want to talk about something specific: the fact that the business world has lurched toward operating in a virtual manner. A major client of ours had a 5-year plan to migrate training to fully online. The plan got compressed to 6 months. And so it is with most of us.

This move to virtual affects two ways in which we engage to create trust;

  • 1-to-1 virtual interactions
  • Interacting in a group / video conferencing

As we’ve written elsewhere, even in normal times the role of human emotions in trust plays a slightly stronger role than that played by our rational, brain-based activities. In the trustworthiness-based Trust Equation, that means Intimacy and low Self-orientation are more powerful than Credibility and Reliability.

In times of Pandemic etc. – multiply that by 10.

Which raises the pointed question:

How are we to do an already tough job when we can’t be physically next to or in front of other human beings? 

Our most obvious sense – visual – is at best reduced to a 1-inch square 2-dimensional image on Zoom, Google Hangouts or Teams. Worse, that image is subject to fuzziness and to periodic disconnect with the disembodied voice accompanying it.

Our sense of hearing, as noted above, is significantly affected – most nuance gone. Smell and touch – among our least conscious senses, but powerful nonetheless – are completely eliminated.

And that’s with video conferencing. What about phone, email, texting, social media, etc. Are they not incomparably weakened when it comes to creating trust?

The Good News: It CAN Be Done

Count me among those who think the shift to virtual is here to stay: we’re not returning to those days of yesteryear. And yet: human beings have not been rewired. We’re fundamentally the same. So if we do not change – the way we interact must change.

We remain the same products of eons of evolution that we were three months ago. The imperative for interpersonal social connection remains wired into our DNA. Whether we will continue to seek it is beyond doubt: we will. The only question presented is how we will contrive to meet the imperatives in a new operating environment?

So let’s dig in.

One anchor we can count on: the strongest form of trust is personal – even when you’re interacting in a group.

And it’s not like we don’t have experience. In particular, lessons can be drawn from an eclectic set of sources:

  • Public speaking and oratory
  • Communicating with blind and deaf people
  • Non-business writing
  • Etiquette – the rules of social behavior
  • Speaking to another person in not-their-first-language

Following are 7 lessons drawn from the above fields. I’ll group them according to 1-to-1 virtual interactions, and group virtual interactions (though there is some cross-over).

1-to-1 Virtual Interactions

  1. Seek more (emotional) bandwidth. For any given interaction requiring an emotional connection, seek a higher medium of communication than you did three months ago.
    • Instead of texting, use email. Instead of a terse email, add more thoughts and words. Instead of long emails, remember the forgotten application embedded in our iPhones – the phone itself.
  2. Do a little more homework. Find out a bit more than usual about the group you’re speaking to.
    • LinkedIn is a fast resource to get a feel for people.
    • You may use only one tenth of what you find out, but that’s OK – the point is not to show you did your homework, the point is simply to know, going in, more about the group.
    • On phone calls, have in front of you photos of people you’re speaking to (again, LinkedIn is a good source.)
  3. Use the Rule of Reciprocity. That is, you get back what you put out. For example:
    • If you listen attentively to others, they will be inclined to listen attentively to you.
    • If you (substantively and accurately) praise others, they will be inclined to do the same to you.
    • If you share the agenda up front with others, they will respect the agenda you jointly create.
    • If you take an emotional risk (e.g. commenting on your own feelings, or on your perception of their feelings), they will be similarly inclined to take emotional risks in return.
    • If you trust them, they will become more trustworthy, and more willing to trust you.
  4. Dare to be personal. Not private, necessarily – but personal. Remember: In these pandemic times, the realm of the emotional is 10X more important than before; and it was always a bit more important.
    • You don’t need to reference outside lives – kids, sports teams – to establish emotional connection. You do need to reference emotions, feelings, reactions, perceptions, elephants-in-the-room, the unspoken issues. All these can be raised in the context of the-personal-in-business: things that are happening in the workplace.
    • To talk about the feelings of others, use first-person language like, “I’m sensing hesitation,” or “I’m picking up a bit of concern there,” or “I thought you looked a little perplexed there,” or “I’m trying to think if it were me, and I think I’d probably feel…” (As opposed to second-person language like “You’re hesitating there…”)
    • To talk about your own feelings, use first-person language like, “Maybe it’s just me, but that makes me feel a little nervous,” or “I’ve gotta tell you, I’m feeling a little concerned about…,” or “at the risk of being the only one who feels this way, I’m not on board yet with this idea…”

Interacting in a Group / Video Conferencing

  1. Find ways to connect personally with your audience. And do it one individual at a time.
    • Address participants by name, especially when replying to a specific question.
    • Just as in public speaking, speak to one person at a time – don’t be shy about using their name, everyone in the group will sense the personal connection
    • Look into the camera most of the time, not at your screen, while you address that one person.
    • Single out individuals on the call – inquire about the local weather for one person, comment on the video background of another.
  2. Eschew emotionally barren communications. They lend themselves to fear, suspicion of motives, ALL-CAPS flaming, and withdrawal.
    • Violate Hemingway’s rules of writing – use more adjectives.
    • Modulate your voice more; make gestures bigger; move to and away from the camera; use hand gestures (thumbs up, the OK sign, handshake gesture, point to the camera, etc.)
    • Selectively use emojis in text-based or online communications.
    • Use more words, and simpler words, to convey the thought.
    • Use more stories.
    • Evoke the senses: make reference to sounds, smells, touch, sights, temperature, nature.
    • Mix your media: for any meeting over 20 minutes, include things like images, video clips, interactive exercises, breakouts.
    • For web-based video calls, master the tools of toggling back and forth between sharing your desktop and looking at the screen full of participants.
  3. Ramp up the level of interaction. The desire to interact must counteract the low-bandwidth nature of the medium you’re using. Be thoughtful about how others perceive you.
    • Use polling capabilities.
    • Become familiar with electronic breakout rooms.
    • For web-based video calls, use non-technical means – ask questions, use the chat feature, ask for thumbs-up or thumbs-down reactions, call on individuals.
    • Have an interesting background, rather than a ‘beige’ or neutral background: bookcases, views, furniture. The point is not to be distracting, but enough that it personalizes you. Virtual backgrounds are now available to all, either digitally or through green screen.
    • Lighting – particularly foreground lighting – is important. People want to see your face; oblige them.
    • Audio is even more important. Experiment – with mics, headsets, earphones. You want no-echo, no ambient noise, good distance.

If there’s any single point to be gleaned from the above suggestions, it is that Trust is Personal – even, and perhaps especially, in a virtual world.

Which particular suggestion do you find most useful? And please add your own to the list.

How Will You Respond in a Time of Crisis?

It’s fair to say the vast majority of us have not experienced a global public health crisis at a scale similar to the one we are experiencing right now with COVID-19.

While many might point to political or economic events that triggered similar feelings, the current outbreak of the novel coronavirus is touching every single person, everywhere on this planet.

How you respond during this unprecedented time is very telling of your Trust Temperament. With swirling instability in the world around us, the differences in the ways each of us builds trust and responds to crisis can become even more apparent.

Building Trust in Times of Crisis

The Expert – Scoring highly in Credibility and Reliability, Experts are relied on for their expertise and follow-through. They will dig in to learning everything they can about the crisis at hand in order to help others understand the situation. For example, they may become highly attuned to tracking the statistics around COVID-19, understanding viral transmission, and digging into the facts and data from a more objective and analytical perspective. The downside is they may not show enough empathy during such an emotional time.

The Catalyst – Big picture people, Catalysts combine Credibility and Intimacy to focus on big ideas and solving big problems. During a crisis of this magnitude and with so many challenges to solve, Catalysts will do everything they can to think outside the box to spark new ideas. Others will look to them for guidance on framing this global problem.

The Professor – Scoring high on Credibility and Self-orientation, Professors are driven by sharing insight and expertise with others for the sake of educating. During a global pandemic, others will turn to Professors to learn more about the topic, and Professors will commit to teaching at every opportunity.

The Doer – Strong in Reliability and Intimacy, Doers aim to keep focus in times of distress. No matter how many obstacles get thrown in their way, Doers resolve to stay the course and help keep everyone marching in the right direction. They commit and, no matter how hard the circumstances, resolve to find a way to see things through. Others find solace and purpose in their steadfastness.

The Steward – They are counted on for doing what they say and keeping other people’s best interests at the forefront. Scoring favorably in Reliability and Self-orientation, their goal is to make sure their people are taken care of. During a time of crisis, this may include ensuring everyone on their team is adequately set up to work remotely and has the tools and information they need to continue doing their jobs. Or, if remote work can’t be completed, support them in whatever way fits their situation and needs.

The Connector – Know commonly as a “people person,” a Connector combines Intimacy with low Self-orientation and builds trust by demonstrating their care and commitment for others. During a time when social distancing is a necessary norm, Connectors will continue to find ways to, naturally, connect – be that on the phone or via video chat in order to maintain relationships. Connectors help ease feelings of stress and anxiety in others who are fearful about the uncertainty of the future.

One Day at a Time

Trust is not something you can turn on or off. During a pandemic, the way we build trust may have to flex, but strengthening relationships is more important than ever as we all work to get through this crisis one day at a time.

Take our TQ assessment today to learn more about your strengths and how you most effectively build trust with those around you – whether that’s in person or remotely. Please note: the Trust Temperament™ is not included in the free mini-report; you must purchase the full report to learn about your Trust Temperament™. If you have questions about what your results mean or how to improve trust in your organization, reach out to us. We look forward to the conversation.

Trust in a Coffee Cup – The Intimate Actuary

I’ve often wondered: is our real workplace office the coffee shop?

Many years ago, when I started work as a management consultant, the smoking area was the place where information was exchanged, relationships forged, and informal deals brokered. There’s an informality when people congregate without agendas; barriers are dropped, titles mean less, and deeper social connections get forged.

Is this ‘informality’ the key to the Trust Equation’s key component of Intimacy?

Coffee Shop Intimacy

Being a Brit, we often think they’re the same thing. The beers after work and the ‘Cheeky Nandos’ (see here for our befuddled American friends) is our default to creating intimacy; but perhaps we should think a bit more deeply.

Intimacy as a component of trustworthiness is actually more about security and a sense of empathy, a less boisterous and socially connected emotion. It’s individual and personal, and is expressed differently from person to person. One size definitely doesn’t fit all.

I learnt this the hard way over a series of weeks working in a large financial services client. My personal default style is always openness and candid sharing of the personal (full disclosure: I’m Irish). I’m always looking for that connection. So – what happens when that openness meets The Actuary?

Actuarial Intimacy

I’m not suggesting by any means that actuaries are not able to display intimacy, but by the very nature of their work they are not emotional risk takers. Instead, they must be able to be analytical and reflective. The profession tends to attract those who feel simpatico with those requirements.  Social settings are rarely the default home of The Actuary. And yet – for them, as for all of us, Intimacy is still key to trust.

Throughout the weeks we worked together my daily routine began with a visit to the inhouse Starbucks; and every day (maybe 2-3 times a day) I’d offer to buy a coffee for my actuarial friend and client. And (of course) every day he would decline, much to my frustration. I wanted nothing more than to sit down with him and understand what his passions were, his family situation – who he was as a person.

We worked together closely, and made great progress, but for me it was like wading through cement – no conversation, no social interaction. It was killing me. Worse still, I had no idea if I was even making an impact with the work. His only foray into ‘real’ communication was to starkly tell me one afternoon, after my third coffee of the day, “You spend on average £7 a day on coffee; that’s close to £2,000 a year.” (I suspect he even worked out my life expectancy on the back of that).

Yet I couldn’t have been more wrong. In hindsight, this was his conversation starter, though it took me until the project was finished to recognize it as such. We delivered on time and with (to my mind) a great result. His expressed view was that we had delivered what was expected.

On our final day working together, before I left for a new client, I was sitting with colleagues both client and peers. We were engaging in what we knew best, that snappy ‘cheeky Nandos’ social interaction, and of course I was comfortable again – back to normal.

Just before lunch my actuarial friend paid me a visit. And, he came with a gift – a very risky gift for him, a branded insulated coffee-mug. Initially I thought, “Yes! I’ve converted him, he’s a social coffee drinker now.” But again, I had misread him.

He looked me in the eye and said to me, “Johnny, I’ve really enjoyed working with you. I’ve brought you something to say thank-you for making this a success for me, and for my team.”

Suddenly I was the one without words. I defaulted to my informal social style, we exchanged some trivial social niceties, and we said our farewells.

You Can’t Buy Intimacy

It took me months to realize that for him intimacy wasn’t about being social. It wasn’t bonhomie or office banter. In fact, it was much deeper than that. For him it was about me understanding him, including what was important to him and how he felt about it. That then translated to what needed to be done, by when and with what outcome.

Success wasn’t beers and back slaps: it was me realizing how important it was to him that the job be done well, and him being comfortable that I had understood that about him.

We had created intimacy and we had built trust – slowly and painfully for me, measured and appropriately for him. Ultimately, he felt safe knowing that we would get where we were headed, together, and that he could trust me to share that commitment.

I still see him in the airport lounge on my regular commutes between Edinburgh and London, and every six months or so he’ll introduce me to a colleague. He’s always polite, measured and professional. As for me, well, I always have a coffee in my hand.

But we both know.

An Old Standby for a New Normal

To say there is no shortage of COVID-19-related “best advice” out there is an understatement. Which means one thing that’s in short supply is focus. This post aims to help fill that void as we manage our new normal while also tending to our relationships, both personal and at work.

Enter The Trust Equation—a time- and recession-tested framework for personal trustworthiness (from The Trusted Advisor, by Maister, Green and Galford).

Source: The Trusted Advisor by Maister, Green, and Galford, The Free Press, 2000

Here are a few pandemic-sensitive tips on what to pay attention to, in order of priority.

Self-orientation (S). The biggest trust de-railer for us all right now is also the biggest driver of high self-orientation: fear. When it comes to trust triage in a crisis, this factor deserves the bulk of our attention.

Low self-orientation, which is what we should strive for, equates to a focus on others by (1) putting our attention on them, and (2) making choices that are motivated by their best interests, not ours. Consider it icing on the cake if there’s mutual benefit to be found.

Pandemic-induced fear can trigger our basest instincts: we default to protecting ourselves, obsess about stuff, avoid relationship risks (or any risks, for that matter), and more. Yet true trusted advisorship demands that we find ways to lead from our higher selves instead.

Here’s a starter list of simple strategies for keeping our self-orientation as low as possible:

  • Reach out to people—clients and beyond—for one simple reason – to inquire how they are. Period.
  • Make generous offers. What’s something concrete that you can give away that would be helpful right now? Think in terms of ideas, resources, even work. Bring value at a time when it’s sorely needed because you can, and because you want to make a difference. No strings attached. No. Strings. Attached.
  • Get and stay grounded. If ever there were a time to stay centered, to keep stress levels as low as possible, and to maintain perspective, that time is now. Too many professionals were already wrung out before the you-know-what hit the global fan. Whatever helps you be your best, do it and do it regularly: exercise, meditation, music, dancing, reading, cooking, art, any form of play, a gratitude practice … the possibilities may not be endless right now, but they are numerous.

Things to avoid include anything that might smack of ambulance-chasing from where they sit (even if your intentions are noble), and conversations that focus only on the task at hand. It’s fine, even good, to channel our energy into productive work right now, but not at the expense of leading with genuine caring about the people in our lives.

Intimacy (I). Intimacy equates to safety, and there are many ways to achieve it in relationships. The first two S-lowering strategies above are really two-fers as they not only demonstrate caring, but also increase intimacy by building rapport and connectedness. Here are two additional tools:

  • Listen masterfully. Treat every conversation you have right now as an opportunity to hone your empathetic listening skills. It just may be the simplest and most powerful route to building intimacy quickly.
  • Let others get to know you. Our current circumstances are a forcing function when it comes to revealing our humanity. Who hasn’t been video-bombed by a small child or a needy pet in the past week? Even journalists broadcasting live from home are making news in unexpected ways. Embrace the opportunities to give others a little insight into your life. You might be surprised at how readily and voluntarily they reciprocate.

Reliability (R). The extent to which your actions are consistent and predictable determines how reliable others deem you to be. I’d normally call this trustworthiness dimension a distant third. Absent a crisis, reliability is table stakes, and generally far too heavily relied upon by services professionals at the expense of other variables. In a pandemic, though, its relative importance increases because of our basic human need for certainty. And while none of us holds the power to answer big questions such as, “When will we be able to go to a live concert again?” we can do things like:

  • Make small promises, then routinely follow through. And when plans get derailed, that’s OK, just get in touch immediately to reset expectations.
  • Communicate, communicate, communicate.Meetings and touch-points that occur at a regular cadence provide a sense of stability, even if you don’t have new information to share.

Credibility (C). Credibility is fundamentally about words: what you say, and how you say it. Knowing stuff might be helpful to others right now, but unless you’re Tony Fauci it’s not likely to set you apart. Zero in on being honest about your limitations and errorsinstead. For example, be willing to say, “I screwed up in how I handled that,” or “I don’t know”—straightforwardly and with a blend of ego strength and humility.

It’s my first pandemic, and there’s a lot I don’t know right now. One thing I do know is that the trust equation is a simple and profound framework that offers guidance in the best of times and the worst of times.

May we all use it well.

A (Better) New Year’s Resolution

Twelve years have passed since I first wrote the following thoughts on New Years resolutions. Frankly, it was good. And frankly I haven’t been able to write a better one.

Next year, maybe (though, probably not).

So, apologies to those who have read it year after year – though I suspect some of you won’t mind.

Happy New Year.
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My unscientific sampling says many people make New Years resolutions, and few follow through. Net result – unhappiness.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You could, of course, just try harder, stiffen your resolve, etc. But you’ve been there, tried that.

You could also ditch the whole idea and just stop making resolutions. Avoid goal-failure by eliminating goal-setting. Effective, but at the cost of giving up on aspirations.

I heard another idea: replace the New Year’s Resolution List with a New Year’s Gratitude List. Here’s why it makes sense.

First, most resolutions are about self-improvement – this year I resolve to: quit smoking, lose weight, cut the gossip, drink less, exercise more, and so on. All those resolutions are rooted in a dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs – or with oneself.

In other words: resolutions often have a component of dissatisfaction with self. For many, it isn’t just dissatisfaction – it’s self-hatred. And the stronger the loathing of self, the stronger the resolutions – and the more they hurt when they go unfulfilled.  It can be a very vicious circle.

Second, happy people do better. This has some verification in science, and it’s a common point of view in religion and psychology – and in common sense. People who are slightly optimistic do better in life. People who are happy are more attractive to other people. In a very real sense, you empower what you fear – and attract what you put out.

Ergo, replace resolutions with gratitude. The best way to improve oneself is paradoxical – start by begin grateful for what you already have. That turns your aspirations from negative (fixing a bad situation) to positive (making a fine situation even better).

Gratitude forces our attention outwards, to others – a common recommendation of almost all spiritual programs.

Finally, gratitude calms us. We worry less. We don’t obsess. We attract others by our calm, which makes our lives connected and meaningful. And before long, we tend to smoke less, drink less, exercise more, gossip less, and so on. Which of course is what we thought we wanted in the first place.

But the real truth is – it wasn’t the resolutions we wanted in the first place.  It was the peace that comes with gratitude.  We mistook cause for effect.

Go for an attitude of gratitude. The rest are positive side-effects.