Establishing Trust by Mastering the Art of Listening

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We often think of establishing trust in business relationships in sales-related roles. For instance, if I have a product or service, I will tell you how my industry knowledge and credentials will make it clear I am the person you should buy from. In short, you can trust me. I know everything there is to know about this product or service. Just ask me!

Let’s broaden our perspective. Is your expertise the key to building trust in various business and professional situations beyond just sales?

Business relationships encompass various roles, each essential for an organization’s smooth functioning and success. In addition to the roles of suppliers and vendors who provide necessary goods and services and customers and clients who are the end-users, there are employees whose skills and dedication drive daily operations and partners, collaborators, and colleagues who are extensions of their companies, working together for the client’s good.

Regardless of your role, be it a supplier, vendor, customer, client, employee, partner, collaborator, or colleague, trust is a crucial element in fostering a thriving business ecosystem. And it all starts with listening to what each of these role players have to say.

By mastering the art of listening—understanding why you’re listening—individuals can empower themselves to create meaningful connections, better understanding, and enrich their relationships. This understanding fosters empathy, a key element in building trust and a deeper connection with others.

Let People Talk About Themselves and Their Experiences

In professional settings, it’s common for people to believe that their expertise and credentials validate their ability to perform tasks, make informed decisions, and contribute meaningfully— grounding the conversation in trust and reliability.

This is only true when you are talking about yourself, not listening.

Whether you are talking to a client, colleague, friend, or someone you just met, they want to discuss what everyone wants to discuss: Themselves. Being open and receptive to these discussions, and allowing others to talk about themselves, can significantly enhance your professional interactions.

The key to making them feel valued is actively listening as they do so.

Allowing someone to share personal stories and experiences can be powerful in building trust and making connections because it fosters authenticity and relatability. Listening to someone share their experiences and perspectives encourages reciprocity, opening the door to mutual understanding and empathy.

As you listen, it allows others to illustrate values, lessons, and insights memorably. This creates deeper emotional connections that form the foundation of solid and trusting relationships.

It ensures that you fully grasp the needs, concerns, and perspectives of others, enabling you to provide relevant and thoughtful responses. Whether maintaining friendships, working in teams, or conducting business, effective listening leads to better collaboration, problem-solving, and decision-making, enhances mutual respect, reduces misunderstandings, and promotes a more harmonious and productive environment.

Trust integrates the emotional and ethical dimensions that credentials alone cannot provide, making it a cornerstone of successful and fulfilling relationships in all aspects of life.

Put the Art of Listening Into Action

The art of listening is a powerful tool that enhances communication, builds strong relationships, and fosters personal and professional growth. By practicing active, empathetic, non-judgmental, and attentive listening, individuals can improve their interactions and create a more understanding and connected world.

Here are five tips for listening this way:

  • Ditch the distractions. You cannot multitask undiscovered, and being multitasked feels insulting. Close the door, face away from the window, blank the computer screen, turn the cell phone over, and avoid glancing at your smartwatch (an all-too-common distraction). Looking at your watch—any watch—suggests that you have other priorities or engagements that you deem more important than the current conversation.
  • Use your whole body. Lean toward the speaker—even on the phone. Use facial expressions. Use hands and arms, shake your head, and use “non-verbal” language. Positive body language encourages the speaker to continue and feel valued, promoting a more open and honest dialogue. This improves your listening and indicates to the speaker that you are 
  • Keep it about them—not you. Use open-ended, not closed, questions. Let them tell their story. By actively listening and keeping the conversation centered on the other person, you demonstrate empathy and understanding, making them feel valued and heard. Keeping the conversation about the other person also allows you to gather valuable insights and information to help you understand their perspective, needs, and expectations.
  • Acknowledge frequently. Frequent acknowledgments can include reflective statements or paraphrasing, which help clarify your understanding of the speaker’s message and ensure no misunderstandings. Consistent acknowledgment fosters trust and rapport by demonstrating genuine interest in the speaker’s experiences and perspectives.
  • Think out loud. The biggest obstacle to listening is your own thinking. Be courageous— postpone your thinking until they’re done talking. Be willing to think out loud—withthe other person. Doing so role-models collaboration and transparency, and that reinforces trust. I hear you. I value you. I respond to you with no hidden agenda. I trust you. You can trust me.

Listening—unrestricted, unbounded, listening for its own sake—is how we develop such relationships. The point of listening is not what you hear but the act of listening itself.

Resources to Build Your Trust Skills:

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Honestly Ask (and Answer) Yourself: Do My Clients Trust Me?

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Trust is complicated in many aspects of our daily lives; by comparison, trust in business seems relatively straightforward. Or is it?

While personal trust involves emotional and relational complexities, trust in business is not necessarily uncomplicated. It involves navigating ethical dilemmas, managing diverse relationships, adapting to cultural differences, and maintaining transparency—all of which require careful attention and can make trust in business equally, if not more, complex.

Here’s where things are seemingly straightforward in business. We all know it is crucial to have your clients trust you because trust forms an enduring client relationship, driving loyalty and long-term success. When clients trust you, they feel confident in your ability to deliver on promises, provide high-quality services or products, and act in their best interests.

This trust leads to greater client satisfaction, repeat business, and positive word-of-mouth referrals, which are invaluable for sustaining and growing your business. Furthermore, trust facilitates open communication, allowing clients to express their needs and concerns freely. This enables you to address issues promptly and tailor your offerings to meet their expectations more effectively. Again, the straightforward takeaway is higher client satisfaction leads to stronger business relationships.

Conversely, your relationship becomes increasingly complicated if your clients don’t trust you. How can you address the disconnect? First, you must acknowledge that distrust is a factor, which is easier said than done.

Ask Yourself Again: Do Your Clients Trust You?

Whether you call them customers, clients, stakeholders, or partners, the cornerstone of your business’s success is truthfully asking (and answering), “Do these people trust me?”

Most will say yes. Of course they do, or they wouldn’t be working with me. Right?

Not necessarily. In some cases, making a change could lead to significant disruptions in operations, production, or service delivery, which the client may want to avoid.

In others, existing contracts or agreements might legally bind the client to continue the relationship for a specified period. Alternatively, your company might supply critical components or services the client cannot quickly source elsewhere, creating a dependency despite trust issues.

The bottom line is that clients continue relationships with untrustworthy people until they find a suitable replacement or alternative solution. Are you ready to be replaced? Can you afford to be replaced?

Honestly asking and answering if your customers trust you is crucial because it provides a candid assessment of your relationship with them, revealing strengths and areas needing improvement.

Trust is the foundation of customer loyalty and satisfaction, directly impacting repeat business, referrals, and overall reputation. By reflecting on this question, you can identify whether your actions, communication, and service quality align with customer expectations and ethical standards.

Then comes the hard part: Acknowledging trust deficits.

This allows you to take proactive steps to rebuild and strengthen trust through transparency, reliability, and responsiveness. Ultimately, this self-awareness fosters a customer-centric approach, ensuring long-term success and a resilient business built on genuine trust and credibility.

But in our haste to be trustworthy, we often forget one critical variable: people don’t trust those who never take risks. If all we do is be trustworthy and never do the trusting ourselves, we will eventually be considered untrustworthy.

Because to be fully trusted, we need to do a little trusting ourselves.

Examining the Connection Between Risk, Trust & Trustworthiness

We often talk casually about “trust” as if it were a single, unitary phenomenon—like the temperature or a poll. To speak meaningfully of trust, we must declare whether we are talking about trustors or trustees.

  • The trustor is the party doing the trusting—the one taking the risk. These are, for the most part, our clients.
  • The trustee is the party being trusted—the beneficiary of the decision to trust. This is, for the most part, us.

The Trust Equation is a valuable tool for describing trustworthiness:

The Trust Equation: Trustworthiness equals the sum of credibility plus reliability plus intimacy, divided by self-orientation

But where is the risk? In the Trust Equation, the risk appears mainly in the Intimacy variable. For example, many professionals have difficulty expressing empathy because it could make them appear “soft,” unprofessional, or invasive. Of course, it’s that kind of risk that drives trust.

Often, empathy begins with reciprocal pleasantries that help build and strengthen social bonds. Simple gestures like greetings, compliments, and polite conversation create a sense of connection and community.

Pleasantries facilitate communication by opening lines of dialogue, including:

  • “I was up late with a sick kiddo and running late. Did I miss anything this morning?”
  • “Was that a TikTok reference? I’m usually behind on social media references.”
  • “You handled that difficult interaction really well. Better than I probably would have.”
  • “Best of luck with your presentation this afternoon. I’m looking forward to attending.”

They serve as a precursor to more meaningful conversations, allowing individuals to gradually gauge each other’s intentions and build trust. Taking small steps, signaling respect and goodwill, shows that we recognize and value the other person, which is fundamental in establishing trust and allows others to reciprocate.

  • “Oh, I know all about sick kids and feeling out of sorts the next day.”
  • “No idea, but I’m sure someone will show us the video later.”
  • “Thank you. I’ve had my share of challenging conversations. I’m sure you would have had a similar response.”
  • “Thanks! Hopefully, it will be worth your while!”

This increases intimacy levels, and the trust equation gains a few points. If we don’t take these small steps, the relationship stays in place: pleasant and respectful but stagnant in trust.

While the Intimacy part of the Trust Equation is the most obvious source of risk-taking, it is not the only one.

Here are some ways to take constructive risks in other parts of the Trust Equation:

  • Be open about what you don’t know.Although you may think it’s risky to admit ignorance, it increases your credibility if you’re the one putting it forward. Being open about what you don’t know fosters honesty and transparency, builds trust, and encourages collaborative problem-solving.
  • Make a stretch commitment.Most of the time, you’re better off doing exactly what you said you’ll do and ensuring you can do what you commit to. But sometimes, you must put your neck out and deliver something fast, new, or different. Never taking such a risk is to say you value your pristine track record over service to your client, and that may be a bad bet. Making a stretch commitment demonstrates ambition and confidence in your abilities, inspiring trust and motivation in yourself and others to achieve challenging goals—even at the risk of failing.
  • Have a point of view. If you’re asked for your opinion in a meeting, don’t always say, “I’ll get back to you on that.” Having a point of view rather than an immediate answer is essential because it demonstrates that you have thoughtfully considered the issue. It encourages a more in-depth discussion and collaborative decision-making, ultimately leading to better-informed and more trusted outcomes.
  • Try on their shoes. You don’t know what it’s like to be your client. Nor should you pretend to know. Genuine empathy and understanding come from actively listening to their unique experiences and needs rather than making assumptions, which fosters trust and more effective solutions.

While trust always requires a trustor and a trustee, it is not static. The players must occasionally be more elastic in their approach and trade places. If we want others to trust us, we have to trust them.

Resources to Build Your Trust Skills:

Why Taking Risks Creates Trust

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Due to several universal experiences and observations, everyone is familiar with taking risks, whether they engage in them or not. Even those who avoid taking risks are familiar with the concept because of the fear and caution they experience. This avoidance is a direct response to the perceived dangers of risk-taking.

Everyday life involves countless decisions that carry varying degrees of risk, from choosing what to eat to making career moves. Even seemingly mundane choices involve some level of risk assessment.

Many professional and personal development courses include risk management elements, ensuring that risk is understood and considered in various contexts.

That includes addressing common risk-taking challenges like:

  • Should you risk mentioning the price early on in a sales call?
  • Should you be candid about your less-than-perfect qualifications for a job?
  • When you notice the client looking distracted, should you take the risk of commenting on it?

In such situations, the thought process is, “That’s too risky. You can’t do that—you don’t have a trust relationship yet.” Or, “Well, sure, you could do that, but only when you have a long history of trust.” That is a big misconception.

The truth is, you can’t get trust without taking risks. It is the taking of risks itself that creates trust.

Early Risk-Taking Can Strengthen Relationships

Risk-taking is a fundamental aspect of human life, woven into the fabric of daily existence, cultural narratives, psychological experiences, and biological responses. Whether individuals actively take risks or choose to avoid them, the concept remains a familiar and integral part of their understanding of the world.

This is true in business, sales, finance, education, and personal endeavors. Taking small risks can build trust and credibility without being perceived as careless or unprofessional. However, trust only grows when one party takes a risk, and the other party responds in a trust-based way.

  • Should you risk mentioning the price early on in a sales call?  

You take the risk of answering a direct question about price, even though you haven’t established your value proposition yet. Being open about the price early demonstrates transparency, which can build trust. It shows that you are straightforward and not trying to hide any information. This approach is respectful and opens the door for an honest discussion about budget and value. It can help ensure that the rest of the conversation is productive and focused on how you can meet their needs within their budget.

  • Should you be candid about your less-than-perfect qualifications for a job?

You take the risk of being very open about a relative weakness in your job qualifications. This approach shows humility, a willingness to learn, and the ability to turn a potential weakness into a strength, which can be very appealing. Although the client may or may not give you the job, they’ll note your directness and trust you more.

  • When you notice the client looking distracted, should you take the risk of commenting on it?

The risk can be as easy as saying, “I noticed you seem a bit distracted today. Is everything alright? I want to make sure we address any concerns or thoughts you might have.” This approach is gentle and non-confrontational, showing that you are perceptive and considerate of their current state. It shows that you are willing to engage in honest and open communication, opening the door for them to share any issues they might be facing, which can strengthen the client relationship.

In each example, the small risk may or may not go your way, but if you avoid taking that risk, it’s guaranteed that you’ll not get the trust (unless your client initiates it, in which case you depend on someone else to make your luck).

Early risk-taking can strengthen relationships by demonstrating commitment and reliability. Strong relationships are vital in navigating more significant risks in the future.

Resources to Build Your Trust Skills:

Five Misconceptions about Trust in Business: Part 3

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In this blog series, we explore five of the most common misconceptions about trust that, while they are widely-held, are powerful inhibitors to creating real trust:

  1. Trust has to be earned
  2. Trust takes time to grow and is quickly lost
  3. Clients just want you to solve their problem
  4. Clients will trust you if you give good advice
  5. Having the right answer is critical

Two wooden figures with the image of the brain and heart.MISCONCEPTION 3: CLIENTS JUST WANT YOU TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM

Most providers think that clients are focused on solving the problem. No surprise there—most clients would say the same thing. Let’s dig a little deeper.

Of course, clients want providers to solve problems. That’s what they are paying for, after all. But if ALL you are giving the client is what they are paying for, you need to be incredibly better than anyone else to avoid constantly competing on price. And that’s incredibly hard to do.

Clients don’t seek to trust providers’ expertise …

… they seek experts they can trust.

Clients don’t want to be experts in the provider’s field. If they did, they’d have gotten their own degree or certification. They also know they will need that expertise again in the future. What they would really love to have, if only they could be so fortunate, is confidence in an expert on whom they could then rely repeatedly.

Most providers try to create trust by demonstrating, or at least talking about, their expertise. Clients therefore assume that their expertise is the most important thing they can offer. The implicit message is, “you can trust me to take care of this problem.”

Yes, clients hire you to solve the problem …

… but what they really want is for you to care about them.

If you focus solely on your expertise and successfully solve the problem, then your client will learn to trust your expertise, but what about everything else?

The alternative is to focus less on the problem, and more on the person. That’s not to say you should perform poorly, but that you should also show your client there’s more to you than you’re your expertise.

Real trust comes from understanding your client as a person – through curiosity, empathy, and your willingness to be vulnerable with them.

Real trust comes from caring enough about your client to share what you see can help them succeed.

Real trust comes not from solving this problem, but from helping them see the next opportunity or potential issue, whether or not you can help them with it.

Clients’ main vehicle for assessing trust is your ability to address the issues facing them, head-on, with all its emotional complexities. The beauty of that is, it’s what you already do for a living anyway.

Come back here to read about misconception 4: Clients will trust you if you give good advice.

Resources to Build Your Trust Skills:

How to Get Clients to Take Your Advice (Quickly and Willingly)

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There are seemingly endless reasons our clients do not take our advice. Challenges like internal disagreements, budget constraints, and rotating decision-makers can cause countless proposals to be refused or ignored, regardless of how obvious the need may appear.

While clients may say they are hesitant to rely too heavily on vendor advice, have had negative past experiences, or even claim we lack understanding of the situation, all of these excuses may point to an overall lack of trust that can keep clients from believing your recommendation is the best solution.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, expertise is not the key to getting your advice heard and taken.

Getting clients to take your advice requires credibility, reliability, intimacy, and self-orientation, and while most of us are quick to emphasize the credibility and reliability of our solutions, we tend to overlook the importance of intimacy and self-orientation.

No matter how good your advice may be, your solutions are not the cornerstone of the relationship. Your client’s needs are.

And the key to understanding your client’s needs is effective communication. Here’s how to get there from here.

Listen to Show Empathy and Understanding

No matter the industry or your client’s role in the company, it is essential to recognize that most professionals are more knowledgeable than ever. With ever more information and solutions accessible in moments via the internet, an advisor’s value as an information provider is practically obsolete.

While our clients may hire us for our expertise, they also bring their own expertise to the table. And they want to know that you recognize what they bring and what’s at stake for them. Actively listening – to their feelings, emotions, needs, and preferences in addition to the problem they have – allows them to feel heard and understood.

Ask more and better questions about their goals, concerns, and challenges to show you are genuinely there to help provide real solutions that will contribute to their success. Emotional intelligence and listening skills demonstrate empathy, respect, and support that will enable them to overcome their fears and doubts, making them more likely to trust and act on your recommendations.

Focus on What It Means for Them

When providing in-depth solutions, beware of defaulting to showing off how much you know.

Instead, phrase your advice confidently by focusing on your client’s needs to:

  • Clarify complex concepts by using simpler, more straightforward ideas.
  • Make your advice easy to implement by breaking it down into smaller steps that can lead to gradual improvement.
  • Provide practical guidelines for proceeding with the next steps.
  • Be humble and willing to pivot the approach if/when their needs change.

Finally, anticipate, acknowledge, and address any concerns, doubts, or objections your clients might have, and give them space and time to think through your advice.

They will perceive greater value in your advice when the rationale behind your recommendations aligns with their goals and contributes to their success over time.

Provide Evidence to Support Your Advice

To communicate how your advice aligns with your client’s goals and needs, show evidence of how your recommendations can impact their performance, profitability, or reputation.

Share success stories, case studies, and client testimonials to illustrate your points and make them more relatable while demonstrating other positive outcomes that bolster credibility and help clients recognize potential benefits.

While charts and graphs can enhance understanding and make your advice more compelling, sharing real-life stories of how others have benefited from similar advice can inspire and encourage your clients to act.

Involve Your Clients in the Process

When developing and implementing recommendations for clients, it’s easy to forget that they also know what they are doing. After all, it’s their business. Show your clients that you value their experience and work as a partner, not an authority.

Involving them in the process, seeking their input and feedback, and incorporating their suggestions and preferences can increase their ownership and commitment to the solution and address any issues or objections in real time.

This ongoing engagement reinforces your commitment and helps overcome potential roadblocks while recognizing and celebrating the positive outcomes.

Reinforcing the value of your recommendations and encouraging future cooperation begins with effective communication, empathy, and understanding. Trustworthy relationships deliver value and increase clients’ likelihood of embracing your recommendations sooner and more efficiently.

At the end of the day, being right only matters if you’re being heard.

Trust-Based Resources to Maximize Your Team’s Potential:

 

Trust at the Car Dealership

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I just bought a car.

The last time I bought a car from a dealer was over 20 years ago, and it was a horrendous experience. Based on that experience, I never would have expected to use car buying as a positive example of trust. But the salesman I met last month, Frankie at CarMax, makes this experience worth noting.

I’m not stumping for CarMax (no commissions here). I AM, however, stumping for the sales approach their business model fosters.

If you are unfamiliar with the company, CarMax is a predominantly online car buying service with a “no haggle” policy. That means that the price you see online for a particular car is the price you pay (plus taxes and fees). I hate haggling, so this seemed like a good start.

But it turns out that being freed from the fear of haggling was only the beginning of what made this a good (dare I say enjoyable?) experience. Things really got special when I went to take a test drive and met Frankie.

My Car-Buying Experience

From the moment I walked into the dealership, Frankie was nothing short of helpful, and there was NO PRESSURE. We talked about my old car and what I liked about it. He shared his own knowledge and experience with the car I was considering and suggested some specific features to try out on the test drive. And when I pointed out a few minor things that needed to be fixed, he had the team investigating before I even left the dealership.

After the test drive, Frankie followed up – with NO PRESSURE. He reached out to give me answers to questions I had asked, gather more information, and update me on status. He never asked me to buy the car, pressured me to decide before I was ready, or pushed to upsell add-ons (although he did provide information about additional options).

When I was traveling, and a week went by without getting him a decision, Frankie called to check in – with NO PRESSURE. He just wanted to be sure I had everything I needed from them, and he assured me the car was waiting for when I was ready to buy.

I bought the car.

I chalk up the good experience I had to a model that works for anyone trying to grow their business: a combination of the virtues and values of trust. The virtues of trust are personal behaviors that demonstrate trustworthiness, described in the Trust Equation. The values of trust create an environment where people can trust and be trusted, described in the Four Trust Principles.

The Virtues of Trust in Action

  1. CREDIBILITY: Frankie displayed a series of sales awards on his desk, progressing to Platinum Sales status last year, and he navigated the process effortlessly. He shared his knowledge about specific features of the car I was looking at. He had sales experience and knowledge about the product in which I was interested.
  2. RELIABILITY: Frankie stayed in touch after the test drive, giving me status updates on the few things I had asked to fix: what the issue was (a bad sensor), how they would repair it, and when it would be ready. He communicated via email, text and phone calls, depending on the information (status updates were texts, phone calls for information he needed, and email for documents). When there was a schedule hiccup during the final purchase, Frankie got it smoothed out in minutes. I knew I could depend on Frankie.
  3. INTIMACY: Frankie laid the foundation for intimacy in about 10 minutes. He didn’t ask me private questions that were irrelevant to my reason for being there, like what I do for a living. He did ask me questions about why I wanted a new car, what I drove before, what I liked about my old car, and why this model appealed to me. He called me by name every time we spoke, and he was friendly with me and with his colleagues in front of me. He used his cell phone to reach out and told me to call with any questions. Most importantly, he shared in my excitement about the car I wanted. I felt like Frankie got where I was coming from, and I felt safe buying a car from him.
  4. SELF-ORIENTATION: Frankie was completely focused on me and what I wanted during the whole experience. He let me make the decision on my schedule. He offered to discuss financing options, then dropped it when I said I had my own plan (he would have got a commission if I financed through them). Same with the extended warranty (also foregoing commission). He had the few things I identified during the test drive fixed, before I committed to buying the car. He was transparent about everything, including the fact that I could trade-in my old car, but might get a better deal for it another way.

The Values of Trust

Frankie had great trust-building skills, but he also has the benefit of working for a company that commits to a certain type of customer experience. CarMax enabled Frankie’s trustworthy behavior by embracing the Four Trust Principles:

FOCUS ON THE CLIENT: CarMax was founded on the goal to make the process of buying and selling used cars more accessible. They have an extensive inventory that they will move around the country (for a reasonable transport fee). I read online that their commissions are based on unit, not unit cost, so there’s no conflict for a salesperson to upsell to a different vehicle or push add-ons.

COLLABORATION: Their multi-channel approach allows the consumer to conduct most of the process online, or all of it in-person at the dealer, or just about any combination. They have decision-making tools available online and offer many services to keep the process efficient. They offer financing and extended warranties and partner with third-party providers (like Sirius/XM) to optimize the car-buying experience.

MEDIUM- TO LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIP PERSPECTIVE: After the sale, I got an email from CarMax recommending that I register my car with the manufacturer and download the CarMax app “to get discounts, find safety recall info from NHTSA, and more!.” The email included a reminder of their 30-day/1,500-mile return policy.

TRANSPARENCY: Online listings include LOTS of photos of the actual car, features and specs, vehicle history (ownership, accident/damage, odometer) and any work they’ve done on the car to meet CarMax quality standards. In the dealership, the sales stations are set up with two monitors: the monitor the salesperson is using, facing them, and a second monitor facing the customer that mirrors what the salesperson is seeing. When Frankie said he was looking something up, he really was.

Trust-Based Selling

It’s no myth that people prefer to buy from people they trust. The purpose of trust-based selling is not to sell your product or service, but to help the buyer do what’s right for them.

A few minutes into our first conversation, I jokingly asked Frankie when the “hard sell” would kick in. He laughed and said that’s why he likes working at CarMax. He doesn’t feel pressured to pressure customers, so he can just enjoy helping people find the car that is right for them.

The paradox of trust-based selling is that, when you stop selling, you’ll get more sales.

If you’re in the market for a used car in northern Virginia, look up Frankie at Potomac Mills CarMax. Tell him Noelle Mykolenko says hello.

 

When Focus Becomes Tunnel Vision

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Let’s talk about focus.

Many respected authors will tell you that focus is essential to achieving success. They call it concentration, determination, single-mindedness, resolve – whatever the word, the message is that by focusing on the outcome you want, you are more likely to make it happen.

And it seems hard to argue that being focused is anything but good. It improves the quality of our work, increases efficiency, and contributes to momentum. Focus can help clarify priorities, improve decision making, and reduce stress.

But when we get too focused, we risk getting tunnel vision.

Tunnel vision arises as a medical condition when someone loses peripheral vision, limiting their sight to only what is directly in front of them.

Metaphorically, it means concentrating completely on achieving a particular aim, without regard for anything or anyone else. It limits our ability to see and hear what is important to others. It is the height of self-interest.

Adam Smith, Competition, and Selling

Blame it on Adam Smith’s The Wealth of Nations. The Scottish moral philosopher and economist famously claimed that by the self-oriented struggling of the butcher and the baker, the “invisible hand” of the market makes itself known by balancing out all for the greater good. Out of individual self-interest grows the maximum collective good.

While Smith has been unfairly characterized as arguing against regulation and in favor of unfettered free markets, there’s no question that his powerful formulation rhymes with competition – individuals seeking their own betterment.

Taken at face value, Smith’s primary hypothesis that the collective good grows as a result of individual self-interest defies logic. The deeper context is that individuals specialize to create income-generating goods and services, and in so specializing will pay others for the goods and services they cannot (or choose not to) create themselves.

If only one person (or company) made each thing anyone needed, there would be no competition. But we have long ago demonstrated that monopolies are an economic danger. So we have an economy that is driven by choice – and, so it follows, by competition.

Selling without Competition

It’s hard for most people to even conceive of selling without that competitive aspect between buyer and seller. Isn’t the whole point to get the sale? Isn’t closing the end of the sales process? If a competitor got the job, wouldn’t that be a loss? And why would you spend time on a “prospect” if the odds looked too low for a sale?

When we think this way, we spend an awful lot of energy. It’s hard work – most of it spent trying to persuade customers to do what we (sellers) want them to do. This is never easy (if you have a teenager and/or a spouse, you know this well).

The competitive approach is the traditional, zero-sum-thinking, buyer vs. seller approach – the age-old dance that gives selling a faint (or not-so-faint) bad name. It is one-sided, seller-driven, selfish. Success, in this approach, is defined only one way: getting the sale.

You have to be hyper-focused – have to have tunnel vision – to sell that way.

Seeing beyond the Tunnel

Going back to Smith’s Wealth of Nations, the fundamental context is that wealth is generated by working with the buyer, not against the buyer. Recognizing what the buyer needs that you can provide. Your interests are 100% aligned, not 59%. If you do business by relentlessly helping your customers do what’s right for them, selling gets remarkably easier.

All you have to do is just change the whole approach to selling. You’re not in the competition game: you’re strictly in the helping game, with a partner called your customer/client.

Once you stop focusing on selling what you have to offer, you can see what your client really needs.

You don’t have to think about what to share and what not to. You don’t have to control others. You don’t have to white-knuckle meetings and phone calls, because there are no bad outcomes. You don’t have to relentlessly screen out unqualified leads. You don’t have to practice “handling objections,” because objections are just invitations to further dialogue.

The “trick” is simple: just do the best you can to help the client. Period. Detach from the outcome. Open the aperture. Go where the client conversation takes you. Your goal is not to get the sale. Your perspective is long-term success, not this transaction. Don’t focus on monthly quotas, just go where your help is most needed. Just help the client.

If you do that, two results become clear:

  1. You will not get every sale; you may not get this sale; sometimes you don’t deserve to get it, or the goal changes, or it gets postponed – sometimes you may even recommend a competitor;
  2. In the medium-to-long run, however, you will get more

Selling this way works very well for one fundamental reason: all people (including buyers) prefer to deal with sellers they can trust – those who are honest, forthright, long-term driven, and client-focused. All people (including buyers) prefer not to deal with sellers who are in it for themselves, and constantly in denial about it.

If you give them a choice, they will gladly act on those preferences.

This is where focus is good again: when your concentration is on helping your client, with regard only for what is best for them, you end up with superior results.

You’ll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t Steal Your Client’s Spotlight

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A question I often ask when running leadership development programs is, “How many of you know people who are ‘gold medal’ listeners?” Usually about one-third of the people in the audience raise their hands.

Only one-third. Less than half the room. We can – and we must – do better.

We all know people who like to talk about themselves – a lot! They usurp entire conversations, coffee breaks, dinners, and meetings talking about themselves. People who love the sound of their own voice and who desperately need to be introduced to the question mark.

The really scary part is, if you don’t know someone like that, that person may be YOU!

Hearing Others

Trusted advisors know the value of listening. Dale Carnegie (author of How to Win Friends and Influence People) has a timeless quote:

“…you can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

And The Trusted Advisor author Charles H. Green offers this caution in his blog, Is Self-orientation Killing Your Trustworthiness?

When operating from high self-orientation, we do not hear others. We do not hear their questions, desires, fears, or emotions in general. The noise inside our head drowns them out.

So how do we show up as a “gold medal” listener? Like many things in trust-building, it’s a combination of having the right mindset and applying the right skills.

The Spotlight Mindset

Think about the last time you went to a live performance – a play, or a concert. There was someone behind the scenes whose job it was to make sure the performers were always in the spotlight; that they could always be seen.

While the skill of the spotlight operator is important, the spotlight itself is a tool to illuminate the performers. The attention shouldn’t be on the person running the spotlight, it’s all about the person in the spotlight.

In conversation, listening is our “spotlight.”

When we are attentive, curious and acknowledge what we hear from our clients, we allow them to feel truly seen. When we draw that attention to ourselves, on the other hand, we steal the spotlight from them.

Just like in the theatre, when our focus is on anything other than our client, they fade into the darkness.

For most of us, we aren’t even aware that we are stealing the spotlight. It’s usually the result of something we’ve done with the best of intentions. We want to connect with the other person by sharing a similar experience of our own, or we want to reassure them we are knowledgeable and capable, or maybe there’s a misunderstanding of an important point that needs to be clarified.

Connecting back to Dale Carnegie, being interested rather than interesting keeps the spotlight on the other person.

Spotlight Skills

Even with the best intentions, it’s hard to connect the right mindset to outcomes if we lack the skills. The basic skills for a client conversation are fairly simple:

Be prepared. Do some research (LinkedIn is a great resource) so you know a little bit about the person before you talk.

Slow down.  Don’t be in a rush to prove yourself, or show how funny or likeable or smart you are: your turn will come.

Be curious. Don’t take everything the client says at face value; dig into the context to truly understand what their experience is.

Ask questions. Get them talking about themselves, their goals and challenges.

Just mastering the basics should qualify you as a good listener. And for many people that’s enough.

But if you want to be a “gold medal” listener, there’s one more skill to master. Finding, and sticking to, your Ideal Listening Percentage (ILP). Your ILP is how much time you ideally want to spend listening vs. talking.

Many participants suggest for new client/initial discussion they would like to Listen 80%/Talk 20%. (Note: for a 1 hour meeting 80% is 48 minutes of listening!) Most participants also admit they are hard-pressed to stick to their ILP.

You’ll likely find your ILP varies based on the type of conversation you’re having. Exploratory is definitely a higher ratio. Responding to a specific request may warrant a lower ratio.

Whatever the right ILP is for you and your circumstances, consider it before, during, and after your conversation.

If you are having a conversation with a client – consider your ILP.

If you are having a conversation with a member of your team – consider your ILP.

If you are having a conversation with a family member or friend – consider you ILP.

If you are meeting a client with other members of your team, make sure you all agree on the ILP for the meeting.

Don’t Steal the Spotlight

The biggest challenge to keeping the spotlight on the client is our own self-orientation. It requires self-awareness and intentionality. During your next conversation, dedicate some quality “spotlight time”:

Be a “gold medal” listener.

How to Accelerate Trust (or Not)

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You may have heard the quote, “It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.” That saying, like several other truisms about trust, is far from true.

In many ways, people form perceptions, trusting and non-trusting, with shocking speed.

Furthermore, the way we use that phrase – “trust takes time” – is often more as an excuse than a true explanation.

First Impressions

Think about the last time you visited a doctor you trust: the office is sanitary and organized, with medical degrees and educational diagrams displayed throughout. The doctor greets you in a clean white coat, maybe wearing a stethoscope around her neck, smiling warmly, making eye contact, and asking you how you feel, specifically about what brought you in that day. Do you trust her?

Now picture a different kind of visit: the furniture and equipment is dingy and worn-looking, the receptionist is surly, and – instead of looking you in the eye and smiling – the doctor walks in the room reading your chart and never looks up at you. How trusting do you feel now?

The point is not that you should judge a book by its cover, nor that first impressions are right (or irrevocable). Our brains are wired to instantly assess and categorize every situation, and the rational parts of our brains are usually left having to catch up.

Setting the Foundation

As the above example illustrates, trust can be created from the first instant we interact with someone. The key to accelerating trust is to lay a firm foundation. Here are three steps to help you do just that:

  1. Mind Your Mindset: Before engaging with someone you are hoping to create a trust relationship with, you need the correct mindset. If you come to the table with the belief that trust takes years to build… it will take years to build! If, on the other hand, you are confident you can create trust quickly, trust building can move forward at a rapid pace.
  2. Set Your Intention: Knowing what outcome you want is important, but be careful of jumping the gun on your own intention before trust is built. It’s apparent when someone is engaged in a conversation where they are a pawn in another’s agenda. If you detach from your outcome, you are more likely to achieve it, while you are building trust.
  3. Fully Demonstrate Your Trustworthiness: Unless you’ve never seen The Trust Equation, you probably already know that trustworthiness is more than credibility (degrees hanging on the wall, having the right answer) and reliability (being on time, following up as promised). And you probably know that the emotional aspects of trustworthiness – intimacy and low self-orientation – are the more powerful factors of trust. Be more personal, more human. It’s near impossible to connect with the “I’ve never made a mistake and I know it all” person and, quite frankly, it’s not enjoyable either.

Accelerating Trust

Once the foundation is set, trust can be built quickly, when we are aware of exactly what builds trust, and willing to take some personal risk. For specific actions to accelerate trust, check our our eBook 15 Ways to Build Trust Fast. In the meantime, here are some things to consider about accelerating each aspect of trustworthiness:

Credibility. Although credibility has a lot to do with experience and education, which take time to acquire, it’s not just about what you already bring to the table. Add to your credibility by demonstrating that you are current on topics relevant to your client or industry. Be honest and candid – admit when you don’t know something, and share your point of view when you have one (especially if you are not 100% confident). Be direct and confident (not arrogant) in what you say; use language that is familiar, and align your tone and non-verbals with your message.

Reliability. Reliability is about dependability and predictability: no surprises. Because reliability is about matching actions with promises, it is the only trust variable that takes time. People need multiple data points to see that our actions match our words. The good news is, we can immediately show we are predictable by meeting other’s expectations of timeliness, knowing and using their terminology, and presenting ourselves appropriately to the occasion. We also can create opportunities to demonstrate reliability by setting lots of small expectations and following through.

Intimacy. Many people think intimacy is the area of trustworthiness that takes the most time. Intimacy is the most powerful trust accelerator, and it takes not time, but courage. Be yourself: pretending to be anything else for the sake of building a relationship usually backfires. Take personal risks to show someone you are worthy of them taking the risk to trust you. Understand and acknowledge the other person’s perspective; they will trust you more if they are confident you get where they are coming from.

Self-orientation. High self-orientation – being focused on oneself – creeps into our everyday interactions in all manner of ways, from putting our own needs/wants/priorities (consciously or unconsciously) above those of another, to allowing our attention to wander during a conversation. Clear your mind and truly focus on the other person. Instead of trying to immediately solve their problem, try being curious about their problem. Instead of telling them how smart/nice/dependable you are, detach from your agenda and have faith that, by focusing on their agenda, they will see you for who you are.

Avoid Starting off on the Wrong Foot

Focusing on yourself instead of on the other person. We’ve all done it… someone makes a comment or asks a question, and suddenly we’re off and running, talking about our own experiences instead of listening to what the other person has to say. Once our inappropriate chiming in ends, it’s like the record skips, and we have to endure the awkward silence as we obviously refocus on their story.

People who build good trust relationships consistently focus on the other person. They listen to understand, with the intention of truly engaging, not to find the first opportunity to talk about themselves. Learn to hold back and really focus on what the other person is saying. You’ll get the chance to say what you want, and once you do, the groundwork will be laid for a valuable, trust-building conversation.

Focusing only on the rational aspects of trust. It’s important for someone you are working with, or hoping to work with, to know that you are qualified for the position in terms of education and experience. But that’s secondary to how you make the person feel on a human level. Making someone feel at ease and comfortable in your presence is more powerful than a resume can ever be.

Trust can be built in a moment, and real trust is hard to break, if you have the courage and willingness to build a strong foundation.

It takes practice to feel natural, and you will probably have some missteps along the way. As long as your mindset and intentions are in the right place, give yourself some grace and realize that trust is a journey, not a destination.

Facing a Skeptical Audience? Try This Unexpected Move.

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Being influential can be challenging in-and-of-itself; being influential with a skeptical audience poses its own unique difficulties—not the least of which is our own emotional reality. Let’s be real: How do you feel when someone seems dubious or doubtful in the face of your brilliant ideas/solutions/products? I’d like to tell you that my natural curiosity and empathy rise to the occasion. But that would be a lie, because I pretty much always feel deflated or annoyed.

There’s something to be said for learning to celebrate others’ resistance. It is a sign of engagement after all. And as hard as it feels to be confronted by it, I’d choose it over their ambivalence seven days a week. Mindset work is fundamental prep work here (as it is with so many things related to trust building).

An Unexpected Move

When you anticipate a skeptical audience—and BTW, it’s safe to assume that most buyers start skeptical since we all love to buy and hate to be sold—there’s an unexpected way to open a conversation or presentation that’s unexpectedly effective. It’s simple, not easy. It requires that we do the opposite of what our baser instincts tell us to do (as it is with so many things related to trust building). I call it “putting your worst foot forward.”

Admittedly, there’s a little dramatic effect in my language choice. What I basically mean is choosing not to lead with all the things I was taught to lead with in my early days as an IT consultant: positivity, enthusiasm, and compelling justifications for whatever it is you’re selling. Instead, lead with what I’ll simply characterize as the “negative stuff,” like the downsides, cons, or challenges associated with your idea/product/service. Or even your own personal weaknesses, or the weaknesses of your organization.

Say what?

Making Sense of What Might Seem Crazy

There are ample reasons NOT to follow this advice. It’s risky. It could backfire. You could lose their confidence rather than build it. A negative tone might be set. You might call their attention to something negative they hadn’t thought of before. The list goes on. Plus, it just kinda feels weird.

All that said, if you’re open to a little additional perspective, I discovered something really interesting a couple of years ago that makes sense of my unconventional advice.

This unexpected way to open a presentation or conversation with a skeptical audience is unexpectedly due in large part to something called The Sarick Effect, and I learned about it in Adam Grant’s book Originals: How Nonconformists Move the World. The lesson offered by The Sarick Effect (named after social scientist Leslie Sarick) flies in the face of just about every piece of wisdom out there on how to be compelling and build others’ confidence in you—which is, of course, why I love it so much.

Long story short, The Sarick Effect suggests that when you’re speaking to a skeptical audience, doing what most of us have been taught to do—aiming to win their hearts and minds with confidence—actually backfires.

Why? Because skeptics naturally have their guards up and meeting their reserve with your optimism has the natural effect of raising their shields. Leading with “negative stuff,” on the other hand, has numerous curious results: (1) it’s disarming, (2) it creates allies by giving the doubting Thomases a problem to solve, (3) it makes you look smart, and (4) it actually builds your credibility.

The Magic of Humble Confidence

Let’s be clear: how you do this makes a difference. The magical mixture that I think of as “humble confidence” is key. Too much humility, and your fears of seeming weak come true. Stepping assuredly with your worst foot forward, on the other hand, actually does win hearts and minds.

Here’s the lesson in a nutshell: When you feel like you’re one down, your baser instincts will tell you to bring more swagger to the table. A wiser approach is doing the exact opposite.

As it is with so many things related to trust-building.

 

For more on this subject, including specific techniques to listen masterfully while your audience has their guard up, plus how and when to bring your perspectives into the exchange, check out the no-strings-attached webinar recording: “How to Influence a Skeptical Audience in Three Simple Steps.”