Abuse of Trust: Anatomy of a Breakdown

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From this blogpost’s title, you’re probably assuming this is about the BP oil spill, or the SEC’s settlement with Goldman Sachs, the recent financial legislation, or a new perspective on Bernie Madoff.

Instead, I want to shine a flashlight on l’affaire Sherrod. From a trust perspective.

For those of you outside the US, the bare narrative is this: Fox News played a videotape of a speech by a federal government employee, which appeared to be racist, and called for her resignation. In very short order, the government did indeed fire her, without checking on the facts.

The Shirley Sherrod Case

Those of you in the US, I’m not going to link here to any more background. The newspapers are full of it.

What I do want to suggest is to offer a case example of how trust breaks down, in the only terms that matter: yours.

Here is a link to the original Fox video; the first 45 seconds are about this story.

Here is the foxnews.com coverage of the video, on July 20—a quick read.

Now: most of you know what came next. But you almost certainly know it from secondary sources. Rarely, these days, do we actually get to make up our own minds from primary material.

We have an opportunity here to contrast punditry with original source material. Ask yourself what you know of the Army-McCarthy hearings in the 1950s. Google it a bit if you want. Then compare it with the actual video, here.

In the same vein, may I strongly suggest that all of you seize this opportunity to view Ms. Sherrod’s original video in its entirety. It’s not a light request: the entire video lasts 43 minutes, and the ‘hot stuff’ is scattered throughout the middle section. 

I still suggest you look at it. This is a teachable moment. But don’t be taught by what you hear from the Wall Street Journal, or the New York Times, or the NAACP, or pundits of the right or of the left–the signal-to-noise ratio is huge. Instead, seize this opportunity to teach yourself.

I won’t say anymore just now; I’ll add my own comments in a few days. 

There is a ton of learning to be had by each of us watching the original source material—at roughly the same time the opinion makers are all ossifying the official learnings. 

There is to be had here learning about how we come to trust, who we trust, how much power we grant to those we trust, and the benefits and risks of trusting others.

So–if you can find time to watch the original, please share with us what you learned from it.

Upcoming Events 7/23/10

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Another weekly event update; hope you can join us for some of the programs listed below.  ALL of our early bird registration for our September program "Being a Trusted Advisor: Walking the Talk" have been filled–don’t get left behind though, we still have seats open at our regular pricing. Join Us! 

——

Thurs. July 29th          Singapore          Trip Allen

Preview trust-based skills and techniques that allow you to forge quicker yet long-lasting relationships, so as to increase your overall business. Trip will be speaking on Trust Edge: Trust-based Selling & Business Development at Marketing Institute of Singapore (MIS). 6:00–9:00PM. Open to the public. Fees: MIS  Student/Member-$20; Partner-$35; Non-member-$35. Venue: MIS Executive Club (51 Anson Road, #03-53 Anson Centre, Singapore 079904). For more information, please take a look at the brochure.

Tues. Aug. 10th      Global Access          Sandy Styer

Sandy Styer, the head of the Trusted Advisor Diagnostics group, will present the findings of  the largest study on trustworthiness ever completed: the Trusted Advisor Whitepaper entitled "Think Again", and the implications for business This research covered over 12,000 respondents. FREE. 10:00AM EST. 30 minutes duration. Contact: [email protected] to register.

Sat. Sept. 18th      Global Access          Charles H. Green

Charlie will be a presenter in the 2010 Mediation Business Summit webinar. He’ll talk about how the sales process is a powerful opportunity to create trust and how behaving in the a trustworthy manner during the sales process both creates customer trust and enhances the odds of getting the sale. He’ll outline the principles of Trust-based Selling(r) and discuss how to respond to the Six Toughest Sales Questions. Cost: $100 to attend entire event 8 speakers, via telephone. For more information and to register, visit http://mediationbusinesssummit.com/register/.

Tues-Fri. Sept 21-24th          Chicago          Andrea Howe

Andrea Howe, Director of Learning Programs, will be a Learning Team Leader for Linkage Inc’s 2010 Best of Organizational Development Summit and will be leading a session on "Client Relationships: Making Yourself more Trustworthy."

Tues. Sept. 28th          Washington, DC          Andrea Howe & Charles H. Green

Interested in learning how to increase trust anywhere, with anyone, anytime? Register now for Trusted Advisor Associates’ signature program,  Being a Trusted Advisor: Walking the Talk; co-led by Andrea Howe and Charles H. Green. All early registration seats are filled; register now before the program sells out!

Everyday Empathy

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I write about empathy a lot on these pages because it can’t be emphasized enough as a critical skill in business—and one that’s missing from most business interactions (See “The Great Empathy Famine”). Today’s blog provides some specific tips for how to make empathy commonly practiced instead of commonly absent.

Empathy is the Life Blood of Influence

Empathetic listening is the key to being influential. It’s not enough to be smart and well-researched and just plain right, even (especially) when you have the evidence to prove it. You have to earn the right to be right. Others will listen to you—be open to your advice, to your point of view, to your perspective—once they feel they have been fully heard and understood by you. And they really do have to feel it. Here’s another way of saying it: It’s not enough for you to “get” them; they have to get that you “get” them.

This is precisely where empathy gets left out of the usual business conversation, because “getting” others requires more than taking good notes, or periodically pausing to summarize the content of their communications; it means you have to tune into the music (tone, mood, emotion) as well as the words, and then reflect it all back accurately and frequently enough that you get some kind of cue that you’re doing a good job of relating to the entirety of their world.

Thomas Friedman nailed it when he said, “It’s not what you hear by listening that’s important; it’s what you say by listening that’s important.” Friedman was talking about empathy.

Your Empathy Workout: Low Weights, High Reps

We run a drill in our learning programs to practice what we call “Three-Level Listening.” At the end of this humbling little exercise, participants will invariably say, “OK, I see the value of empathy. And I also see that I’m not very good at it. How can I practice without risking looking bad with clients while I’m improving?”

I answer by first asserting that clunky empathy trumps no empathy every time (you’ll get credit for your efforts, your intentions, and your willingness to take a risk). And then I offer a simple tip: “Empathize with the grocery store clerk.” And the drycleaner. And the newspaper vendor. And the babysitter. Why? Three reasons:

(1)   The stakes are low. You’ll worry less about getting it wrong and you’re generally less likely to be reactive. (Empathy gets a lot harder when your C-level client has just informed you that she’s disappointed in your team’s results.)

(2)   The environment is target-rich. Most of us interact with service providers on a daily basis. And we need daily practice to build muscle memory. (When the stakes are high we especially need those strong muscles to triumph over our reptilian brains.)

(3)   (Bonus) You’ll make a big difference for someone. People in these kind of roles are used to dealing with complaints, not being related to.

What “Everyday Empathy” Sounds Like

Practicing everyday empathy requires that you first tune in—in other words, pay attention to all the data you’re getting from another human being. Then, try an empathetic turn of phrase. Here are some examples:

To the grocery store clerk who has a strained look on her face: “Looks like maybe you’ve had a rough day.”

To the cab driver who’s stuck in traffic and horn-happy: “I’m sure there’s nothing more frustrating than dealing with this mess all the time.”

To the mail carrier whose brow is moist in the mid-day sun: “I’ll bet there are days like today when you wish you had an indoor job!”

To the waitress who drops a tray full of dishes: “Bummer.”

To a Facebook friend whose status message says, “Hit a home run today!”:  “Congrats! You must be psyched!” (Empathy is called for in happy situations, too.)

Use your own words, of course. And use emotion words whenever you can (“frustrating,” “psyched”). While it’s true you might not get the emotion right, the risk you take to be in their world matters more. Plus you’ll likely get corrected, which just provides another opportunity to practice.

Bench Strength

With daily practice, you’ll be poised and ready the next time you’re given an opportunity to convince a client they should hire you, or sway an executive team to adopt your recommendation, or recover from a project failure.

Empathy is a big differentiator in the business world. With whom will you build your muscles today?

The Genie and Three Trust Wishes

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I have a friend. My friend is a middle manager for a large, diversified multinational corporation, running a group of about 80. He swears to me the following happened.

I was on a flight to Singapore from New York. During the dark part of the flight, after meals, most people were sleeping. I was in a quiet meditative state. 

Suddenly, from out of the coffee pot on the flight attendant cart in front of me, came a bright puff of smoke. Then from the smoke, a genie emerged. He came over and sat next to me in the empty seat (I was in business class).

I said, ‘What’s this, a three-wishes kind of deal? What are my choices?’

The genie said to me, ‘Yes, that’s the general practice in my business. Now, you’re a manager. You know how important trust is—within your team, with your customers (both internal and external), with other units. Right?’

‘Of course,’ I said.

‘And you know that you can’t manage what you can’t measure, right?’

‘Right.’

‘And, I believe your company is extremely results-driven, am I right?’

‘You don’t know the half of it, genie. Yes, it most certainly is.’

‘Good,’ said the genie. ‘So here’s the deal.

‘Behind the first door—metaphorically speaking, of course—you can choose to have double the trust levels of any other business unit in your company. More trusted by customers, higher levels of intra-team trust, and so forth.’

‘Wow,’ I said, ‘that’d be great. Why wouldn’t I want that?’

‘Hear me out,’ said the genie. ‘The kicker is—you won’t be able to measure it. You won’t be able to build processes, or metrics; you won’t be able to prove to anyone that you are trust-rich, nor will you be able to identify specific actions or ‘tools’ to manage it. You’ll know it’s high, and others will anecdotally acknowledge it, but that’s it.’

‘Hmm,’ I said, ‘that’s not so great after all. Is there a door number two?’

‘Of course,’ said the genie. ‘Door number two is the opposite; you’ll only have half the level of trust that your firm has on average. But you’ll be able to measure it precisely; prove the dynamics to anyone; track it, analyze it, manage it, tweak it. You’ll just never get very good results over the long haul.’

‘Great,’ I said. ‘Is door number three going to give any relief?’

‘Maybe so,’ said the genie. And he showed me the following table:

Option 

A

B

C

D

Trust level

2.0

1.2

0.8

0.5

Management level

0.2

0.5

0.75

1.0

‘You can mix and match,’ he said. Options A and D I already told you about. Options B and C are in between. You can get a little more management of trust at the price of less trust. You can get a little more trust at the price of less ability to measure it.

‘So really,’ the genie smiled at me, ‘you got four choices today. Must be that Arabica coffee that makes me feel so generous.’

Then my friend told me which option he chose.

But what I want to know is: which option do you choose? Tell us below in comments what your choice is, and briefly why. Let’s get our own market research going here.

Top Trust Myths: 2 of 2: Trust is Destroyed in Moments

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Trust takes a long time to build, and only a few moments to be destroyed. 

In my last blogpost, I suggested this is one of the all time great trust platitudes, and that the first part of it was as often untrue as it is true. 

In this post, I want to tackle the second part: the idea that trust takes only a few moments to be destroyed.

Moments of Trust Destruction

Let’s start with how trust gets built up in the first place. It’s amazing how often we hear both of these contradictory statements—and accept them both as true:

Generally, we trust someone until we’re proven otherwise, starting most relationships with a certain level of trust and building from there.

and

Relationships don’t begin with trust. Trust must be built day-by-day…conversation by conversation.

Which is it? Do we start with high levels of trust? Or do we build it up slowly? The fact that you can understand both points of view is a tipoff; once again, it depends on what kind of trust you’re talking about.

I think when we say things like “trust can be lost in a moment,” we are mostly in the former territory – that is, situations where we grant trust early on as the default position. It might be early in a personal relationship, where one person says something unexpectedly inappropriate. It might be an institutional relationship, such as a “personalized” mass mailing which misspells our name.

I think cases of egregious corporate behavior typically fall into this category, e.g. when BP lost the rig in the Gulf. But one might ask — who exactly trusted BP before the accident? And precisely for what did they trust them?

These cases of trust being destroyed in a moment are more like an electrical short in a traffic light. In a moment, our trust in the dependability of that light is destroyed. But all we had trusted it to do was to maintain switching capability. Its failure is not a wound to the heart.

Sloooowww Trust Destruction

By contrast, let’s look at cases of “rich” trust – situations where we have evidence of credibility, reliability, intimacy-capability, and low self-orientation. What happens when such a relationship is faced with a violation?

What happens to a marriage when one spouse behaves adulterously?   What happens when a Bernie Madoff refuses to answer routine questions about investment behavior to a client? What happens when a parent is informed that their child has committed criminal behavior?

What usually does not happen in those cases is the total destruction of trust. Most spouses first cope with infidelity by denial–and a great many adulterers are ultimately forgiven. Massive numbers of people chose to deny the evidence of Madoff’s malfeasance, and parents routinely insist that “I know my child, and (s)he could not have done that.”

As swindle victim Bobby Lall put it, "People say, ‘Why would you trust somebody like that?’ But your friends are the ones you trust. Pretty much your friends and your family’s about all you’ve got in life."

These are situations of grave betrayal: being cheated on by a spouse hurts worse than finding a new fee charge hidden in the small print on your bank statement. Yet it’s the minor trust transgression that causes us to “lose trust in an instant.”

The real big betrayals? We hang on, and on, and on.   We don’t lose trust in an instant – we are bled dry, very slowly, twisting in the wind.

When Trust is Lost Slowly, When Quickly

As we say over and over in this blog, trust is a complex phenomenon. Trust measurement without context is misleading at best, meaningless at worst. Trust management without context is aimless. Trust platitudes without context dependent on the listener’s tacit intuition of the context.

The speed at which trust is lost is a second- or third-order metric. It is not even driven by the speed at which trust is created. It is more accurate to think of “thin” trust and “rich” trust.

If Amazon incorrectly bills me for a book I never ordered, my loss of trust is quick and thorough. But it was never very rich; I trusted a billing system, not a friend, a lover, or even my dog. I’m annoyed, not destroyed. That’s thin trust.

If I spot my daughter taking money from my wallet without having asked me, I am quick to question her and to be upset; but I do not revise my fundamental assessment of her – I might even still let her use my credit card, albeit not quite so unconsciously.

Dr. Eric Uslaner, a leading academic on the subject of trust, has this to say in an interview I did with him:

CHG: What’s the biggest misconception about trust that you find people have?

EMU: That trust is fragile, or that it can be reestablished easily. Moralistic (or generalized) trust is learned early in life, from your parents, and it remains stable for most people throughout their lives. So you can’t break trust easily.

Again, he’s talking about what he calls generalized, or moralistic, trust. So as usual, it depends.

As if to prove Uslaner’s point, here is the tale of Eric Taylor, an Englishman who was conned and hustled by a real pro on a visit to Washington DC. Not just conned, but double-conned, by someone who knew a trust-sucker when he saw one and was quick to double the ante.

Here’s what Eric Taylor learned from his encounter with the swindler:

When my wife and I were discussing the incident for the hundredth time a few weeks later, she said: "And, if it happened again, I know you would react in exactly the same way, even knowing what you know now. And I would rather you were that way than the other."

Trust lost in an instant? Myth busted. It depends.

Upcoming Events 7/16/2010

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It’s hard to believe we’re halfway through July. 2010 seems to be going full-speed ahead. As are we, here at Trusted Advisors. With time going by so quickly, it’s hard to keep tabs on the days. So, hopefully you mark some of these events in your calendars now and beat the rush!

——

Thurs. July 29th          Singapore          Trip Allen

Preview trust-based skills and techniques that allow you to forge quicker yet long-lasting relationships, so as to increase your overall business. Trip will be speaking on Trust Edge: Trust-based Selling & Business Development at Marketing Institute of Singapore (MIS). 6:00–9:00PM. Open to the public. Fees: MIS  Student/Member-$20; Partner-$35; Non-member-$35. Venue: MIS Executive Club (51 Anson Road, #03-53 Anson Centre, Singapore 079904). For more information, please take a look at the brochure.

Tues. Aug. 10th      Global Access          Sandy Styer

Sandy Styer, the head of the Trusted Advisor Diagnostics group, will present the findings of  the largest study on trustworthiness ever completed: the Trusted Advisor Whitepaper entitled "Think Again", and the implications for business This research covered over 12,000 respondents. FREE. 10:00AM EST. 30 minutes duration. Contact: [email protected] to register.

Sat. Sept. 18th      Global Access          Charles H. Green

Charlie will be a presenter in the 2010 Mediation Business Summit webinar. He’ll talk about how the sales process is a powerful opportunity to create trust and how behaving in the a trustworthy manner during the sales process both creates customer trust and enhances the odds of getting the sale. He’ll outline the principles of Trust-based Selling(r) and discuss how to respond to the Six Toughest Sales Questions. Cost: $100 to attend entire event 8 speakers, via telephone. For more information and to register, visit http://mediationbusinesssummit.com/register/.

Tues-Fri. Sept 21-24th          Chicago          Andrea Howe

Andrea Howe, Director of Learning Programs, will be a Learning Team Leader for Linkage Inc’s 2010 Best of Organizational Development Summit and will be leading a session on "Client Relationships: Making Yourself more Trustworthy."

Tues. Sept. 28th          Washington, DC          Andrea Howe & Charles H. Green

Interested in learning how to increase trust anywhere, with anyone, anytime? Register now for Trusted Advisor Associates’ signature program,  Being a Trusted Advisor: Walking the Talk; co-led by Andrea Howe and Charles H. Green. Don’t delay; there are only three seats left at the special early registration tuition!

The Trust Reader Volume 6

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Attached please find our July ebook, Volume 6 of the Trust Reader. The TrustReader series announces the publication of new articles on the Trusted Advisor website.

This month’s issue consists of three marketing and strategy-related articles.  We lead with a piece first printed in Businessweek.com about the changing view of strategy.  Yesterday’s strategy was about competing–with competitors, suppliers, customers.  Today’s strategy is about how barriers have broken down–today your competitor can also be your partner and your customer.

That’s a big change.  It means we have to shift the second- and third-order downstream implications of the word ‘competition’ when we think it.  It means we have to re-examine the daily nature of our interactions with those groups.  And it means we need to start systematically replacing ‘compete’ with ‘collaborate’ as the mother’s milk of business.

The other two articles are given one-page summaries with links.  They are: 

Three Strategies for Creating Customer Trust, first published in The Customer Collective, about exactly what the title says.
and
Deliver the Perfect Pitch, first published in RainToday.com, giving nine rules for successful pitch presentations to clients.

GET THE TRUST READER VOLUME 6 HERE

Enjoy the readings.

The Trust Reader Volume 6

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Welcome to the July ebook, Volume 6 of the Trust Reader. The TrustReader series announces the publication of new articles on the Trusted Advisor website.

This month’s issue consists of three marketing and strategy-related articles.  We lead with a piece first printed in Businessweek.com about the changing view of strategy.  Yesterday’s strategy was about competing–with competitors, suppliers, customers.  Today’s strategy is about how barriers have broken down–today your competitor can also be your partner and your customer.

That’s a big change.  It means we have to shift the second- and third-order downstream implications of the word ‘competition’ when we think it.  It means we have to re-examine the daily nature of our interactions with those groups.  And it means we need to start systematically replacing ‘compete’ with ‘collaborate’ as the mother’s milk of business.

The other two articles are given one-page summaries with links.  They are: 

Three Strategies for Creating Customer Trust, first published in The Customer Collective, about exactly what the title says.
and
Deliver the Perfect Pitch, first published in RainToday.com, giving nine rules for successful pitch presentations to clients.

GET THE TRUST READER VOLUME 6 HERE

Enjoy the readings.

Top Trust Myths: 1 of 2: Trust Takes Time

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Trust takes a long time to build, and only a few moments to be destroyed.

That has to be one of the great trust platitudes. In fact, it literally is: there’s a website that ranks the most popular trust quotes, and essentially that quote is number 3 (numbers one and two are inexplicably complex).

Many truisms are in fact true; that’s how they came to be truisms. But some are not; and this is an example.

Trust Takes a Long Time to Build? Not necessarily, in fact frequently not. That’s what I want to talk about today.

Trust Takes Only a Few Moments to Be Destroyed? Even less true. That’s what I’ll talk about next.

Trust Takes Time: Not.

“At once my mind was made up. I knew I could trust this young man implicitly,” goes a tale of petty larceny from the web. Researchers tell us that the propensity to trust can be increased or decreased simply by chemicals; increased by Oxytocin, decreased by testosterone. Neither takes long to administer.

How about trustworthiness? Think about the symbolism that goes on when you enter your physician’s office: the white coat, the stethoscope, the faint odor of something (I always assume ether, which probably went out with Sherlock Holmes), the degree on the wall. How long does that take? Not long.

“I trusted him instantly,” says Emma-Jane Corser of her husband, whom she met online. She’s not alone. This is profoundly common human behavior; we all make split-second decisions based on a variety of factors, few of which boil down to the kind of analytically-based routine we like to think of ourselves as following.

Peter Tingling and Michael Brydon write incisively in Sloan Management Review about “evidence-based decision-making” and “decision-based evidence making.” Jeffrey Gitomer says, “People buy with their hearts, and rationalize it with their brains.” Trust is hardly the only kind of decision we make quickly.

What Kind of Trust Takes Time?

Of course, platitudes don’t achieve that status out of thin air. There’s usually something to them, and of course there’s something here too. In the Trust Equation, one of the factors is reliability (the others are credibility, intimacy, and an other-orientation). Reliability is the only factor that requires the passage of time to be evaluated.

Think of all the ways we link trustworthiness to time. She walks the talk. He does what he says he’ll do. She’s never let me down. He’s always been there for me. If she says she’ll do it, you can take it to the bank. And so forth.

Finally, there’s what the social scientists and trust academics call “generalized” trust—the propensity to believe well of the motives of strangers, and to be generally optimistic about the future. That one, it turns out, takes ages to turn around—negatively or positively. As Dr. Eric Uslaner points out, generalized trust is pretty much installed with mother’s milk.

So: does trust take time or not? Clearly, this is one of those cases where the right answer is, “it depends.” And what it depends on is the type of trust we’re talking about.

Does it take a long time to be seen as trustworthy? Let’s break it down:

Type of Trust Takes Time?

Trustworthiness

Credibility Not much

Reliability Yes, by definition

Intimacy Not necessarily; usually pretty clear pretty quickly

Other-focus Not necessarily; usually pretty clear pretty quickly

Propensity to trust

In institutions Shifts over a few years

In specific people Not much time

Generalized trust A long time—typically from birth

Next Post, Trust Myth #2: Trust is lost very quickly.

A Cautionary Tale for Marketers: Do’s and Don’t’s from the Perspective of the Marketed-To

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Story 1: Don’t Do This

I got one of those broadcast email solicitations from a very reputable organization that hosts executive roundtables. Brian (a stranger to me) wanted me to attend an informational meeting. To his credit, he “had me at hello” with the very first lines of his email, which were both personal and complimentary: “Andrea, let me first say I LOVE the name of your company and the genesis of it…the ‘new beat’ story. Outstanding!”

“Wow,” I thought, “He’s taken the time to find out about BossaNova and make a personal connection to me. He gets me! He likes me! I like this guy!”

What followed was a directive to “Read on” with a photo of a jubilant baseball team and the assertion that “There are lessons you learn in Baseball that can apply to business leaders like YOU once you understand their importance and their impact” (with a bulleted list of those very lessons). His call to action at the end of the email was aggressive and impersonal.

Brian had me right off the bat and lost me soon after. I have nothing against baseball—not at all. I’m just not much of a sports enthusiast and, truthfully, get tired of the male-oriented metaphors. Brian’s very personal appeal followed by his very impersonal (and misaligned) form letter was a particularly lethal combo. Now, not only am I a “no” for the information session I was invited to, but I have an attitude about both Brian and his organization to boot. Three strikes, you’re out.

Story 2: An Approach to Emulate

A few weeks ago I was surprised by a knock at the door—an unexpected delivery of baked goods from a local sweet shop. The package included a hand-written note from Kacy, the office organizer I had hired exactly one year before. The sweets were to commemorate my first anniversary in my new home office, with a reminder that she was available should any lingering piles be in my way, and a request to tell others about her services if I was so inclined.

I immediately logged onto Facebook (well, by “immediately” I mean right after I had a cookie) and posted kudos for Kacy, along with a link to her web site. I sent her an email to thank her for the unexpected treat, alert her to the free Facebook advertising, and acknowledge her for the lesson in great marketing. She wrote me right back to thank me, saying, “I’m so glad you like them! I never know if someone’s going to be out of town or unavailable, but it always works out. In my client list, I have a column where I note the dates of our last sessions. Once a month or so I run through those and send the goodies out!”

The sweets hit the sweet spot, for sure, far more so than being hit over the head with a baseball bat. Maybe Kacy got lucky with her choice. Although it seems to me she could have sent me anything (even one of those giant foam fingers) and the good feelings from the unexpected personal acknowledgement would have prevailed.

A Plea to Marketers

The two anecdotes aren’t apples to apples—different relationship histories, different communication media, different calls to action. That said, I find them both illuminating.

To all marketers out there (including myself), here’s my plea:

  •         DO make it personal
  •         DON’T use a personal tactic to get someone’s attention and then switch to a more generic approach
  •         DO find creative ways to appreciate the people who have given you business in the past
  •         DO use the element of surprise
  •         DON’T be afraid to ask for more work or for referrals.

The moral of the stories: Intimacy is a powerful tool in business. Use it wisely, especially with strangers. Mix it in with a little unexpected generosity and you’ll hit a home run.