Why Some Men Don’t Trust Women In The Workplace
(And Why Some Women Don’t Trust Men, And How to Break The Vicious Cycle)
Nobody, it seems, wants to talk about one of the most important dynamics of the modern workplace: Men quite often don’t trust women, and women with comparable frequency don’t trust men. The breakdown of trust is especially common when the male is a manager and the female is his subordinate. Burdened by stereotypes, myths and other hidden assumptions about female employees, he doesn’t trust her to get the job done. Having repeatedly been marginalized by her male bosses and male co-workers, she adapts in ways that exacerbate the breakdown in trust.
This reciprocal breakdown in trust can torpedo not just one, but two careers. Still, all is not lost. There are ways to sever the dual ring of vicious cycles and reestablish trust between men and women in the workplace.
Cycle 1: Why men don’t trust women
Let’s start with the stereotypes about women as employees. Women always put family and children above their jobs. If there’s a ballet lesson or if school gets out early, the callback to a key client will have to wait until tomorrow. Women always get pregnant and take maternity leave just when a new office is opening. Women take Family Medical Leave to care for an elderly parent with a stroke or a teenage child with mononucleosis just when a new computer operating system is being installed. Women are always on the verge of quitting when child-care responsibilities become overwhelming, and they will no doubt quit right before a crucial deadline.
We move on to another unstated but critical myth. Women are emotional and not analytical. Women will make workplace decisions based on feelings rather than facts. Women worry more about their co-workers’ comfort level than about getting the work done.
Then there’s the hidden assumption that a female employee is not really committed to the business. In the minds of many male managers, this assumption is reinforced every time a woman requests flexible work accommodations. Working from home means less “face time” with her male manager, and when a woman is out of sight, she must not really be working for the company.
Sometimes a male manager assumes that his female subordinate has gotten her job solely because the company had to comply with affirmative action guidelines. He feels that the pressure from higher-ups to diversity the workforce has lowered the quality of new hires. He looks at the top echelons of the company, sees very few female executives, and concludes that investing in a junior woman is a waste of his time. Better to not trust her to do important assignments. Just let her wither on the vine.
Cycle 2: How women reinforce the mistrust
Let’s start with the natural inclination to trust those who are like us. A male manager may perceive that his female subordinate is just different. She has had different experiences. Perhaps she didn’t play on the high school basketball team. Maybe she could care less about the lack of good relievers in the bullpen or the dubious wisdom of a first-round draft pick. Having experienced harassment or bullying in the workplace, a woman may have her guard up. She may be disinclined to engage in backslapping, deprecating humor. When it’s time to remind a co-worker about an upcoming meeting, she may not tell him to “get your butt over here pronto.”
Let’s move on to the false inferences that male managers draw from women’s inferior salaries. Many women find it difficult to demand higher starting salaries and to negotiate raises. As a result, they end up doing the same work as their male peers for less. Managers are privy to salary information. A male manager may interpret a woman’s lower salary not as evidence of inequity, but as a sign of weakness, as an indicator that she does not really have a long-range commitment to the company.
A male manager may find himself excluding his female subordinate from informal get-togethers where co-workers can bond with each other. He may believe that women don’t want to go out for drinks, take advantage of free tickets to the season opener, or attend industry conferences. He may worry that close familiarity will be interpreted as sex discrimination or sexual harassment. When his female subordinate is excluded from these bonding events, he doesn’t get to know her. Feeling excluded, she lacks the motivation to go the extra mile for the company, and the gap in trust just widens.
Finally – and perhaps most important – you cannot trust an employee if you feel her behavior is unpredictable. A male manager may find it difficult to give critical assignments to a female employee because he’s not sure how she will interact with her co-workers or with customers. He’s not sure how she will handle a crisis. He doesn’t feel confident that she will put in the extra hours when the deadline approaches.
This sense of unpredictability is exacerbated by what I’ll call the toggling strategy that many women are forced to adopt. Having received conflicting signals about how to act in the workplace, she toggles back and forth between the traditional male mode – decisive, aggressive, demanding, career-focused – and the more sex-neutral collegial mode – collaborative, inclusive, less dictatorial. This toggling frustrates her manager, who perceives her as alternately antagonistic and ineffective.
Trust has become a key competency
There’s no need to dwell here on the adverse consequences of this lack of trust for the woman’s career. Nor does it require an in-depth analysis to see the enormous waste of talent and corporate resources. The critical point is that trusting co-workers of the opposite sex has become a key competency for assuming a position of leadership. A breakdown in trust can sidetrack a man’s career as well as a woman’s.
The business world has become increasingly diverse and globalized. A male manager who cannot look beyond the stereotypes of his female employees may be similarly unable to develop trusting relationships with peers and clients of different races, ethnic groups, religions and nationalities. The same goes for a female who has developed self-protective behaviors that exacerbate the breach in trust. Failure to trust will translate into failure to advance to the top ranks of the organization.
Breaking the cycles of mistrust
So how can a male manager resist his stereotypes about women in the workplace? And how can a woman steer clear of the safety strategies that exacerbate the mistrust?
First, he needs to accept as fact that women as a group are no less committed to their careers than men. Take it at face value that a woman who gets an education, shows up every day for work, completes her assignments and is receptive to feedback is, in fact, serious about her job. Understand that everyone has some family responsibilities and that a good manager can incorporate absences into his planning, whether they’re due to pregnancy, tennis elbow or a heart attack. If a woman is taking advantage of some form of flexible work arrangement, focus on the work performed, and not on how often you see her face.
He needs to persist in his efforts to include his female subordinates in the entire range of work-related activities. That means water-cooler conversations, after-work drinks, sports events and industry-wide meetings. She needs to break the habit of refusing any such overtures, to entertain the possibility of loyalty and respect for him as a manager. She needs to recognize that through his efforts at inclusiveness, she will get to know about the business. She will get to know him and his peers. She will trust him.
He needs to avoid pat assumptions about how she will react to others, as these assumptions rarely hold up in practice. He needs to make a genuine effort to get to know her, to understand why she acts the way she does, and she needs to allow him to understand her. She needs to send him the message that he can be confident about her reactions to future deadlines, mishaps and crises at work.
She needs to tell him straightaway when an assignment is unclear or when his expectations about her performance are fuzzy. He needs to tell her if she is acting in ways that make him uncomfortable.
He needs to realize that most women suffer from lack of adequate feedback, and not from poor motivation or bad intentions. He needs to tell her when she’s erred, to suggest mentors and coaches, and to model behavior. When there is a problem, he needs to no longer be reluctant to address it. And she needs to accept his advice. Don’t write her off. And welcome him into the bargain.
Thank you Charlie for sharing Johanna’s thoughts. True to the idea that building trust depends upon taking a risk, Johanna risks talking about one of the often “undiscussables” in the workplace, uses stereotypes to make her point ( again risking blowback from those who think stereotypes should not be used) and she then provides sage advice on breaking the cycle. Johanna’s article is a good example in itself on how one can build trust. Because she takes a risk, we are perhaps more willing to trust her advice
In this context, being a risk taker does not mean being a dare devil. It means taking appropriate risks to cultivate trust and thereby advance in the workplace.
Brave of you to take this on and if anyone is wondering if it is still relevant – yes.
There are many great men and women working well together in the workplace today and there is still room for greater improvement – both in productivity and in mutual well being.
Johanna – this is indeed a viscious cycle. I appreciate your candor and use of examples. The back and forth nature is illuminating (I hope to more than just myself).
What is not touched upon is the flip side of this situation, where trust is more “automatically” given to those that are “like me” and “play the game”. Fortunately or unfortunately it is my observation that many women are less interested in game playing at the office. Whether this is good or bad all depends on your point of view as well as goals/objectives.
While many women may indeed have a negative view of “playing the game,” as you put it, the plain fact is that a woman has to learn to use the system to her advantage. Learning how the system works is like learning any other job skill.
Thank you for a great post Johanna. I couldn’t stop reading. This is an issue that no one wants to address and you have stated the problem clearly and provided solutions.
Not my experience. The best manager I ever had work for me was a woman. The best boss I ever had was a woman. I had more female supervisors than male supervisors on my team.
Perhaps the best method to solve this problem is for both parties to be as transparent and direct as possible. Both sides should assume that the other accepts them and communicate openly both about progress and problems. http://andycore.com/
The average male writer, manage, teacher, etc. probably won’t say he or she needs to do this or that. There are fundamental differences in male’s and female’s worlds and how they express those worlds. These differences (along with a few laws) make it difficult for men and women to work together at their maximum potential, and even make it difficult for women to communicate with each other in certain environments. In a pressured situation/environment for example, a female manager may be communicating more her psychological needs and vulnerabilities, rather than her duty to the task or company. While many employees and a few managers/leaders may not be able to put this into words the way I have, they nevertheless respond and react to it on an emotional level resulting in perceived (perhaps even to themselves) discrimination.
I experienced this kind of distrust from a male colleague today. He interpreted my remarks as extreme and decided that meant I could not be being truthful. I interpret this as not being taken at face value because I am not following the normative timidity of opinion expected from a female. My opinions are strong and usually correct.
Another blame-everything-on-men article … it’s allll his fault, in this case, the male manager.
Did you actually read the article? How about the section labelled “How women reinforce the mistrust?” Or the series of “he needs to- / she needs to-” recommendations at the end?
This is the exact opposite of a “blame-everything-on-[anyone]” article – it’s a measured evaluation, looking at both parties.
It looks to me like you typed before you read. Not a good practice.
Which is why women end up in HR….the most worthless, dreaded, and feared department in any organization.
Your remark is insensitive and shows you do not trust or respect women. Too bad for you, the women in your life and half of the American workforce.
Um, did you actually read the article? Did you notice, for example, that the author is a woman?
Emmi, did you actually READ the article? And did you by any chance notice that the author is female?
It’s all about “control”, not efficiency. How many women are on prescription drugs at work? This is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. So many control freaks with personal problems…and when things start to heat up (company facing challenges, etc.) , they disappear.