The Great Empathy Famine
I spent the weekend in California. It started as a mini-vacation—joining a friend’s 50th birthday celebration. It ended with most of the time in my hotel room with the flu.
At first, my demeanor was positive (why compound physical misery with a bad attitude) but steadily declined as I negotiated all the logistical changes required to extend my stay until I could haul my ailing self back across the country.
Of all the service providers with whom I interacted (hotel desk clerks, cleaning ladies, airport rental car attendant), not one acknowledged my matter-of-fact revelation that I was asking for help because I was sick and couldn’t go home.
Why Is Empathy So Hard to Find?
Now, I wasn’t looking for sympathy from these folk (well, maybe a tad). It just would have been nice if, when they learned of my situation, they had given some hint that they had actually heard what I said. "Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” would have completely sufficed. Or “Oh dear!” Even “Bummer, dude.”
But no. Nothin’. Nada. When I finally emerged from my room, the cleaning lady had an attitude – the Do Not Disturb sign that hung on the door for 48 hours straight had kept her from doing her job.
The Alamo car check-in guy dutifully read – word-for-word – the statement on the back of my agreement justifying the additional $10.99 late return charge. Waiving the $10 might have made me a customer for life. Just saying, “I’m so sorry that my job requires me to tack on this extra fee under the circumstances” might have led me to consider renting from Alamo again.
These are not unhappy or unfriendly people. Hey, it’s California. They get a lot of sun. And it’s not like they were in roles not requiring interpersonal skills — I’ll give the hotel housekeeper a pass, but the rest were front-line customer service types. And honestly, I wasn’t being a cranky-whiny-pain-in-the-you-know-what sick person – I promise.
I’m not sure what the problem was. Perhaps they weren’t really listening. Or they just didn’t know what to say.
Empathy Isn’t Really All That Difficult
The thing is, empathy isn’t that hard. It comes in many forms: “I’m terribly sorry,” or “I’m sure that wasn’t how you wanted to spend your weekend here!” or even “That sucks!” (sorry, Mom, I know you hate that word).
Just acknowledge — rather than avoid — the emotional reality of the human being on the other end of the phone/service counter/board room table.
Are you uncomfortable in this touchy-feely zone? That’s perfectly normal. But it’s also a bad excuse for doing nothing. Awkward empathy beats no empathy any day of the week.
In our Trusted Advisor and Trust-Based Selling programs we spend a lot of time practicing empathy. Put in the terms of the Trust Equation, empathy creates intimacy and intimacy builds trust.
Empathy is imperative in professional services; listening is what drives influence. Just asking good questions is not enough to be a good listener.
Having your client get that you got him — emotionally as well as cognitively — is what earns you the Top Listener award, which in turn earns you the right to be heard.
Next time you ask your client how her weekend was, and she mutters “Not quite what I expected,” try putting the meeting agenda aside just long enough to say, “I’m sorry to hear that” or – context-permitting – “Bummer, dude.”
And if your client ever reveals something that leaves you feeling itchy and unsure what to say, say that (“Oh … I’m not sure what to say”). Any attempt will do.