Trust Tip #27-How to Prevent Useless Conflicts

by Charles H. Green on Tuesday, October 24, 2006 (post #7)

I want to make sure to get tactical and practical every few posts. This is Tip #27, but I'm publishing it first, out of sequence, because I think it's so provocative.

First the rule: then examples: then explanation. Here we go.

Rule 27a: get rid of the verb "to be" in all its forms;

Rule 27b: speak only in the first person, or in the third person impersonal.

That may sound a little weird; let me give you some examples.

Instead of, "That was a lousy movie," say, "I didn't like that movie." (rule 27a)

Instead of, "You're not getting my point," say, "what we have here is a failure to communicate." (rule 27b)

Instead of, "It will not be acceptable to them," say, "I'm concerned about the odds of them accepting it." (rule 27a, 27b)

Preventig Useless Conflicts

These simple rules help prevent useless conflict. 27a (if you'll pardon some philosophical jargon) basically says "all 'is' statements are metaphysical, and unprovable." They are bald assertions with the potential to inflame argument rather than to help collaboration.

27b helps us remember that the only inarguable statements we can make are those about our own feelings, or about inanimate objects. Statements about "you" or "him" invite unnecessary confrontation, because someone so inclined can read blame or judgment into it.

Combined, the two rules make us speak in a way that takes responsibility, and invites others to do the same. At the extreme, "You're an idiot!" becomes "wow, we really see this differently, don't we? Tell me more about your view?"

Then, as Portnoy's shrink finally said, perhaps we can begin.

Full disclosure: I didn't invent this, I heard it—as best I can recall—about 15 years ago on National Public Radio, and can't recall who the originator was. I'd be grateful if anyone knows the origin.

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Charles H. Green is founder and CEO of Trusted Advisor Associates LLC; read more about Charlie at http://trustedadvisor.com/cgreen/

You can follow him on twitter @CharlesHGreen

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8 Comments

David (Maister) said

www.davidmaister.com/blog

How many years of practice does it take to live by these rules? don't get me wrong - they make all the sense in the world! I just don't know how long it would be to overturn a lifetime of language habits.

Do you know of any firms, Charlie, that teach their people to speak this way?

posted on Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Charles H. Green said

First, welcome to guru David Maister, whose business blog is among the very best--check it out.

His comment makes me hasten to add—this one ain't easy!

I don't know of any firm who is trying this on an institutional basis (apart from those who are hiring me and at least hear about it).

And it is a tough one. Tougher than a lot of trust tips, like returning phone calls really fast.

But I find it easier than other trust tips--"don't take it personally," or "be self-aware (i.e. emotional intelligence)," or the biggie, "tell the truth." Now, those are some tough tips to follow!

Further, I find it yields results from even partial efforts.

Finally, it is short-hand for advice you'll also hear in approaches to negotiation, giving and receiving feedback, or about offering advice. I find the shorthand version easier to remember.

For example:

I have learned to no longer say, "that's annoying." Now, I just notice that "I'm annoyed."

I have learned to no longer say, " you always do this, and..." Now, I just say, "when you do this, I notice that..."

Well, most of the time I do anyway.

This tip is all about noticing—the more we notice the way we talk, the more we can choose to get better at taking responsibility and communicating cleanly.

Astute readers will note I've violated the rule in this post itself a few times. But I find it provocative, and it sets a high standard. For me, aspirational goals are helpful to mix in among the achievable ones.

What about for you?