February 2010
Trust in the Online Dating World
by Charles H. Green on Tuesday, July 7, 2009 (post #517)
The realm of romance is a source of intriguing metaphors for trust. Do people really want reliability in a romantic partner? Or is a little unpredictability a good thing? Other than the obvious, what’s the difference between romantic relationships and business relationships?
And, today’s subject—how about truth-telling in the dating world? Do you want someone who tells it like it is? Or do you want them to pull their punches once in a while?
Truth in dating: is it a good thing?
Cut to the NY Times His 50 First Dates (or in her case, 3).
Looking For a Woman He Could Trust to Tell the Truth
Poor Ron James. He joined JDate the month he was divorced, and spent the next year and a half looking for Ms. Wonderful. Along the way, he found the relationship of Online Dating and The Truth to be problematic. To begin with, a lot of people on JDate—explicitly aimed at Jewish singles, partly as a counter to intermarriage—weren’t Jewish at all. And of course, that was just the beginning.
Over that year and a half, he said, there were women he met who lied about their age, posted photos that were 10 years old, misrepresented their jobs and pretended to be more successful than they were. “A lot of the photos didn’t look like them,” he said. “I learned to watch out for sunglasses.”
Then he met Sheryl.
At Starbucks, Mr. James was struck by Ms. Daija’s looks. Her JDate photo was taken swimming, with no makeup.
“You look exactly like your picture,” he said.
“Is that a good or bad thing?” she asked.
“That’s a very good thing,” Mr. James said. The hour flew.
Cue the violins. They married this past January.
Is Trust in Romance a Good Thing?
I was once told by a Match.com date that I was the only 5’11” man she’d met who actually turned out to be 5’11”. That was also a good thing. But I met many women who lied about their age, and justified it because--"otherwise, they'd screen me out." (Which I had kinda thought was the point of having screens. And yes, I know, we men are pigs, etc. And yes, we lie too.)
Is the truth generally a good thing? Do we want trust in romance? Or not?
As usual, the answer is, it depends. And the real question is—on what?
Think about these trust statements:
- I trust that my partner will be faithful—and if not, I don’t want to know about it
- I want my partner to tell me the truth--unless it’s hurtful
- I want to depend on my partner—but not so much as to be boring
- I want my partner to care about me—but not to be dependent on me.
Romantic relationships are one area where we demand both truth-telling of the most intimate nature—but also the ability to hold our tongue, keep a bit of a secret, to once in a while play the Jack Nicholson role (channeling “you can’t handle the truth!”). In the trust quotient, it's the low self-orientation factor.
That’s what Ron James seems to have concluded:
“Every day when I leave for work, she says, ‘Drive safely,’ ” Mr. James said. “It warms my heart.”
“Does it really?” Ms. Daija asked.
“That anyone cares,” Mr. James said.
It’s generally not a good thing to subordinate the truth to other values. But caring? Well, that may be the exception that proves the rule.
Charles H. Green is founder and CEO of Trusted Advisor Associates; read more about Charlie at http://trustedadvisor.com/cgreen/
You can follow him on twitter @CharlesHGreen
posted in Trust in Leadership Development and Strategy, Trust-based Selling, Building Trusted Advisors
Sam Bloomfield said
The blog today about reltionships reminded me of these lyrics from Stephen Sondheim's Company [1970]. Trust is the foundation for all of these qualities/desires.
Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.
Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.
Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive…
Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.
Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive.
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.
Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, make me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive…!
posted on Tuesday, July 7, 2009