October 2008
Trust, Freedom and Resentment
by Charles H. Green on Friday, January 26, 2007 (post #56)
Amsterdam, Schiphol Airport, flight lounge 52. I have 90 minutes of work to do in the business lounge.
A few desks away from me sat a very large man, gobbling snacks, sweating—and wheezing, very loudly, with every breath. The more he went to get food, the louder he wheezed on return.
He annoyed the hell out of me.
My head phones couldn’t compete, my iPod was unavailable. All seats were taken, and I had to work. The minutes droned on, his snargling wheezing got worse; I got angrier.
I hurried, mentally rehearsing snide remarks. I finally left early, thinking of noise pollution, gluttony, and the selfishness of other people. He’d put me in a bad mood.
Then I read the NYTimes story, “A 12th Dallas Convict is Exonerated by DNA.”
HOUSTON, Jan. 17 — A 50-year-old Dallas man whose conviction of raping a boy in 1982 cost him nearly half his life in prison and on parole won a court ruling declaring him innocent. He said he was not angry, “because the Lord has given me so much.”
The parolee, James Waller, was exonerated by DNA testing, the 12th person since 2001 whose conviction in Dallas County has been overturned long after the fact as a result of genetic evidence….
Prosecutors had joined defense lawyers in calling for the clearing of Mr. Waller, who spent more than 10 years behind bars before he was paroled in 1993…
Mr. Waller broke down once at the hearing, describing how his car crashed on the way to a court proceeding in 2001, an accident that killed his pregnant wife, Doris, and the unborn daughter they had wanted to call Grace. “I said, ‘Well, I don’t want to live no more,’ ” he recalled, mopping his face with a tissue…
By the [12-year old victim’s] account, he [had] heard the voice of his [medium-height, medium-weight] attacker that night at a 7-Eleven near his home, and turned to see Mr. Waller, who was then 25 and lived with his family in the same apartment complex as the victim, the only black family there. Although there were discrepancies in the boy’s account — Mr. Waller is almost 6-foot-4 and was heavy — and although Mr. Waller presented witnesses saying he was home at the time, he was convicted in 46 minutes and sentenced to 30 years. He won parole in 1993 but had to register as a sex offender….
Mr. Waller has started a lawn care business, but remains on parole pending the formal action of the appeals court and must shy from all contact with children. “It has been a long struggle for me,” he said. “They look at you like you’re an animal.”
Mr. Waller—incarcerated, libeled, despised—is free of anger.
I—flying business class internationally—was imprisoned by it. I couldn’t even own my anger, I had to blame someone else—a poor man who had the nerve, the temerity, to continue breathing after I had entered his room.
I am struck—and shamed—by the enormous gap between Mr. Waller's way of dealing with reality, and my own.
Trust requires the ability to get outside oneself. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. The optional part is vastly greater—if we only choose it.
Why do I find that so hard to do?
Charles H. Green, author of Trust-Based Selling and co-author of The Trusted Advisor, is a consultant and speaker on trust issues for some of the world's best companies. He has written about trust in business relationships at Trust Matters since 2006. Read more...
posted in Trust in Leadership Development and Strategy, Trust-based Selling, Building Trusted Advisors
peter vajda said
Thanks so, so much for this.
This past Monday I began to craft an announcement for one of a series of men's groups I facilitate here in Atlanta. This time, I asked some members of other groups if they would provide testimonials, by Friday, today. I wanted one person's input, especially.
I didn't hear from him on Monday, or Tuesday. I sent him and a few others a "reminder" on Wednesday. I was angry with him, judgmental of him, crtitical of him for not sending it to me...always 'sotto voce'.
Nothing Wednesday or Thursday. Now, I'm voicing my anger and resentment and frustration aloud to my life and business partner (wife). Sent another email Thursday night offering a fews days grace period and adding a couple of sample testimonials (in case he hads never done one). Still angry, frustrated and judgmental of him. Moreso.
I received this email from him this (Friday)morning, in part:
"Linda and I have been up in Durham, North Carolina, with Bob Russell and his family. Bob underwent surgery for the removal of his left leg and hip on Monday, and we have been trying to give him—and them—support."
Thud! Thank you Universe!
Over the years, the Universe has always given me life lessons and impactful learnings, always at times when I need to receivethem. This one was timely.
It is about trust...as in my coaching work (and in my life), "trusting the process" is a huge part of the work. Not having to always be in control...just do my part and then surrender and allow the Universe to takes its course. It always works out for the best...even thought in the immediate moment "I" (my ego) may not think it's the best.
Another piece is practicing compassion. No one gets up in the morning and says "I'm going to a jerk today." So, I ask myself, why do I need to judge them as so...what is my judgment saying about me...not about him, her or them? They are just a mirror reflecting back to me somethign I need to learn and see about my self.
Finally, the overriding piece is based on a coaching principle that weaves through my work, "Why is this event or circumstance happening FOR me (instead of TO me..which moves one out of the victim consciousness and blaming mode and into an ownership and self-responsible mode)? When I remember this principle, consciously, I see how I get in the way of my own growth...and remember that life's events are lessons for me to see more about me.
I'll be on retreat this weekend; and Stuart will be there. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to be with him, to work with him, and most of all to thank him for his gift of reminding me about trust, compassion and humility.
posted on Friday, January 26, 2007